Here I am, right in the middle of the two week wait. For women who are trying to get pregnant, you know how slow these two weeks tick by. For those who don't - remember, as a child, waiting for Christmas or your birthday? How the anticipation nearly killed you? Well, this is the adult version of that for those of us who are fertily challenged.
There is a BIG part of me that is dying for test day to be here, and a small part of me that hopes it never comes. Confusing, right? Think how I feel. For me, the two week wait is the bitter icing on top of a stale cake...
On one hand, I am dying to know if it's finally my turn. On the other, I am afraid of the disappointment that comes with finding out it isn't. I want to badly to see two pink lines, yet I could live the rest of my life without seeing only one. When everything you are hoping for is out of your control, and so black and white, that test is truly your best friend or your worst enemy. So far, in our almost 4 years of trying, I have only seen two lines once. I can't explain to you the feeling of seeing that. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking and I must have checked it 400 times. I kept thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me. A week later, when that pregnancy abruptly ended, my heart was shattered. It was right there, everything we have been working for was right there, and it was taken from us. While I know I haven't been pregnant since, I can tell you I am just as invested every month as I was then. A negative test still feels like a loss to me. For a day or two after, my heart feels empty and broken. Luckily, the busy demands of being a working wife, mom, and fertility patient force me to "just keep swimming".
As we round the corner to the last lap of this month, I keep praying I see that checkered flag. Have you ever wanted something so badly in your heart that your mind starts to believe it's there? Finding out we're pregnant seems like an oasis to me at times. I want it so badly I can taste it. About this time every month I start over analyzing every twinge, every cramp, every lower back ache, every mood swing, every thing. It seems slightly cruel to me that pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are so similar.
This portion of the month is the most challenging for me spiritually. This is where the big F word comes into play. Faith. :)
I have to keep my faith. Faith doesn't mean I will be pregnant this month, it doesn't spare me of being sad or spending a day in my bed. Faith allows me to grieve about my big, black raincloud, while being able to identify it's beautiful silver lining. Faith pulls me back up when I feel like my knees are shattered. Faith in my beautiful, Holy Father. Faith that renews my spirit, and works as my armor. Faith reminds me that I can keep going, that I am strong because He makes me strong.
I wish I could tell you my faith never shakes, never doubts, but that wouldn't be truthful. What I can say is that it's never gone. It's never left me completely. It's what keeps me going when I want to scream no more. It's the thing that makes me smile when people ask me "what's next, are you going to try again?" - Of course we are. We aren't giving up. He doesn't give up on us, so I can't doubt His plan. I can wish it were different. I can beg for mercy, but as long as He has put this desire in our hearts, we will fight for it.
Of course, I need your prayers. I ask, humbly, that we are in your thoughts over the next week. That I am able to find peace and patience and strength. <3
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