Monday, September 30, 2013

Blogging Away the Nerves...

So as of about 10 minutes ago I officially have a set surgery date. Next Tuesday, October 8th at 9:15 am. I think if I keep saying it, typing it, etc. it will become less of a big deal to me and my stomach can calm down. I am such a baby about this sort of thing!

Some awesome news... because of my uterine fibroids and my cysts being so prevalent my insurance IS going to cover 90% of the cost. This is a big sigh of relief and I am very thankful for the awesome staff at CRM (my doctor's office).

All I can do now is wait and pray! I will also ask for your prayers, thoughts, well wishes, all of it!

My Monday Thoughts...

1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
One of the main emotions I have struggled with throughout all of this is jealousy. Jealousy, to me, is a complex, twisted tango of an emotion. I pray frequently to keep it at bay - however it is a natural feeling. The bible speaks a lot about envy and jealousy - anyone who's learned the 10 commandments knows it well. As Christians, we know we are supposed to strip it out of our hearts. Easier said than done, right? Jealousy can rear its ugly head in almost every part of life, however in the case of fertility, it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

After our first year of trying, when I just knew something wasn't right, I started to get jealous of women around me that were so "easily" having babies. I felt a lot of guilt about my jealousy, after all, it isn't their fault I can't get pregnant. I didn't like the way it was making me feel and I knew something needed to change. I started looking around for support groups and began reading online. Most of what I read, unfortunately, encouraged women with infertility to stay away from baby stores, baby showers, anything baby. The thought of that made me sad. I don’t want to stay away from babies, when my family or friends are celebrating a birth or pregnancy, I want to celebrate too. I would never wish infertility on anyone, and if another biological baby isn't in our future, then I certainly want to snuggle everyone else’s. :)

As time has gone on, I have continued to struggle with my jealousy. Just recently, I was reading some verses that focus on this topic and I found the verse at the top of this post. It was sort of my "suck it up, buttercup" verse. After reading this, my whole view on jealousy changed. I believe a dose of jealousy is healthy. I say a dose, because if you allow it to take over your heart, it will, and that is never healthy. For me, I choose to look at my jealousy as a motivating factor. Every time I want to throw in the towel, someone I know announces a pregnancy or has a baby. That little twinge spurs me on. It reminds me of why I am not ready to give up. God is leading us in this, and He needs me to know the picture is much larger than my eyes can see.

So while I will always have to keep it in check, I am not running away from jealousy anymore. I will face it head on, embrace it, and shift the focus on to jealousy being a reminder of my passion and desire to be pregnant again. I'm not saying you will catch me watching "16 and Pregnant" anytime soon, but I will use the emotion to my benefit. Because I know my God is faithful and He will not lead me to anything that He doesn't think I can endure. How amazingly encouraging is that? This walk was given to us by God. He choose Mike and I for this because He knows we can handle it. He has faith in us, so how can I ever let me faith in Him waver? I know we will have another child, what I don’t know is the path that will bring that baby to us, but I have faith. <3

Thursday, September 26, 2013

If I'm Being Honest...

Each day since my doctor's appointment and last post I have been getting more and more nervous about the up-coming surgery. Anyone that knows me knows how TERRIBLE I am with anything medical, i.e. I didn't get my ears pierced until AFTER I had Jake :/, and for the past couple of days it's been all I can think about. Last night I even dreamed about it! From the beginning, every doctor I have been to has been a little stumped by me. I have some of the PCOS symptoms without having some of the main ones, my blood work always looks good, I have a slight Vitamin D deficiency, Mike's healthy sperm count is at 25% instead of the ideal 30%. So while there are a string of minor issues, it's been difficult really putting our finger on the problem. Most of the above mentioned problems are things that can be corrected with vitamins (like my vit d and Mike's healthy count), and my doctor believes, this surgery. I don’t know why I am all of a sudden having doubts, maybe it's just nerves. I wish God would just walk into my office and tell me what to do. Granted, I would probably stroke out right here. If the surgery will help get me to a baby then I will do it, no questions asked. I just wish my faith in it was a little stronger...

I talk to Mike about it, and he is supportive of the surgery. He really likes our new doctor and feels like she is taking us in the right direction. We have talked to several different people who have had SUCH success with the laparoscopy (aka ovarian drilling -- eek!) and he reminds me of that each time I get shaky. I need to step my praying up! I need to talk to God about my doubts, ask him for peace, and trust that if this is the right direction for us, He will provide.

Another big fear for me is the cost. Unfortunately, we can't find out what the costs are until the surgery is scheduled.. which is ok in that we could obviously cancel if need be, but is nerve wrecking because I feel like there are SO many variables and a 5 day window. The surgery has to occur on days 5-10 of my cycle and can't be scheduled until CD 1, unless I decide to take birth control to expand that window. I absolutely HATE being on birth control, almost as much as I hate being on metformin.

So long story short right now, I'm a little bit of a hot mess! Maybe once some of the if's become facts I will calm down and feel better about all of this. Maybe this is lesson number 654687435 from God that He is teaching me during my journey with infertility. I need to relax and take a deep a breath - focus on my faith.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Fresh from the Doctor...

Happy Monday! Here we go, another week, and this one promises to be a busy one. Jake turned 7 last week! So bittersweet. I love watching him grow, but would give anything to slow down! I feel like my years with him are flying by. He is playing baseball and soccer right now, so our weeknights and weekends are spent at the fields at practice and/or games. This past Saturday, he had his first soccer game of the season. He is playing U11 which means most of the kids he's playing against are 9-11 years old. Some of them seemed like giants! His team is made up of all 6-8 year olds, they are the kids he's been playing 3v3 soccer with. They played so well and won the game 8-1! It's always fun to win ;)

This morning I had an early doctor's appointment, and because of Jake's school start time, Mike couldn't go with me. We went through test results and came up with our action plan. We are going to move forward with the surgery. It seems to be the best option, and hopefully the most effective. It will be outpatient and I will be under general anthesia. That sort of thing always makes me nervous, but this time there are even more nerves behind it. What if it doesn't work? What if they get in there and find something more? I could drive myself crazy thinking about the "what if's", but it's hard to focus elsewhere. The flip side is that since I have been talking/praying/thinking about this whole thing it seems like people are coming out of the wood work with success stories. People who did the same surgery and got pregnant very soon afterwards. At this point, one minute I am excited and the next I am so nervous I can't think straight.

If this "simple" surgery is the means to a baby... great! It would potentially mean that Mike and I could get pregnant naturally, without drugs, which would be awesome. I guess I need to keep praying about this. Asking God to settle my nerves.

I am supposed to call and schedule surgery on day 1 of my next cycle! That's in like 6 days!! I could potentially be having surgery in 2 weeks! Oh jeez. Anyway, I have a request this time... Please, please pray for us. Pray that surgery goes well, pray that we find a way to pay for this - at this point, insurance wont cover it. Pray that the surgery is successful and that we are able to concieve, and pray that all of this be done in His name, under His will. I know that through prayer this will happen for us. I know that if I keep my faith the money will turn up somehow. I just have to continue to give this up to God. Thank you for reading, for following this journey, and for praying for our family.

<3 <3 <3

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Just Keep Swimming...

I feel like I have to remind myself of that all the time. One day at a time, pace yourself Jordan. One thing I have noticed is how easy it is to get burnt out on all of this. What an emotional roller coaster. With every new month, for the past 3 years, has come another disappointment -- or at least that’s how I felt.
A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown. A mental collapse. I don't know what triggered it really, probably hormones, but I just lost it. I was crying to Mike, my usual woe-is-me sadness, and he finally stopped me and said "I want Jordan back". Those 4 words meant SO much.
At first, I was a little hurt. No one wants to hear that something they are struggling with has a hold on them, causing them to loose parts of who they are. Then I realized he wasn't saying it to hurt me or to be a dig. He doesn't and has not ever blamed me for feeling the way I do. He just needed me to know that I was lost in the sea of infertility. Those four words became my life raft. I laid there knowing, he is right, I need to fix this. My focus needs to shift back to the present. To my husband and son, who are here with me now. We aren't promised tomorrow, and I need to focus on the now. So that is my prayer now. I ask God to help me focus on what I have, and to be hopeful and excited for the future, without obsessing over it. It is also my prayer for my friends that are going through something similar. It is so easy to focus on what's going wrong in our lives, to focus on what we don't have. Our life slips in to a rut, and that isn't the life we are intended to live. I have to remind myself daily to focus on the present!
That being said, I am pushing infertility to the back seat. I am making a mental effort to not think about it as much (which is way harder than it sounds). We are not giving up, or stopping treatment, it just isn't going to be my first priority anymore. My duties fit in a specific order and I need to do a better job of holding true to that. Believer, Wife, Mother. In that order. :)
This is my first month off of all medication from my previous doctor. I am taking it as a month of cleansing for my body and my heart. I got a lot of blood work done, Mike did his testing, and later this month we have an appointment to go over the results and choose our plan of action. I do think that the medicine had a BIG impact on the way I was feeling, and I am excited to take a break from that. I am hoping, more and more now, that the laparoscopy is the ideal method of treatment. If it works, that would be the most natural (meaning the least amount of meds) way for us to conceive. So this month I am clearing out the fog, and giving it up to God. Not only am I going to keep swimming, I am going to do it with a renewed spirit and a focus on the now!

To my sweet friends who are on this journey with me,
I think of you girls often. I keep you in my prayers, and I am excited to see where this journey leads you. We are in this together, and I can't wait to hold each of your sweet babies one day!