Hopeful and Optimistic...

First of all - My sweet boy started 1st grade this morning! I am amazed at how fast these years with him have flown by and I am so proud of my baby :) He was excited to go to school this morning and I can't wait to hear about his day. With every post/thought/appointment/period/prescription etc. etc. that I do, in regards to infertility, I am reminded of what an incredible gift my sweet boy is. God gave him to us to love and raise and I am so thankful He did! I know he is going to do a lot of learning and growing this year, and I am excited to watch him grow!

You may notice the title of this post is slightly different than the last. For the past week I have been SO nervous about meeting my new doctor. Nervous about what she would tell me and anxious about potentially hearing, what I thought would be, bad news. This morning, Mike and I headed to the appointment after taking Jake to school. I was so thankful that Mike could be there with me - It would have been hard without him. I got called back by a nurse to do vitals and get our history. She then took us to meet the doctor. Dr. Jaffe is from New York, and her personality shows it. We really liked her. She was a straight forward, no bs, type of woman. She is also the top female, reproductive endocrinologist in the state. She doesn't waste your time and she seems very thorough. After about 30 minutes of talking, she sent me for blood work. Some new tests, some re-tests of things I did with my OBGYN. Basically she told me, with Mike and I's age and health, she believes we will end this with a baby. :) It was nice to hear her confidence, especially since I don't get the impression she would sugar coat anything.

She talked to me about my stress level, which has been pretty high in the past year. I think any women going through this can relate. Everyone tells you to relax and reduce stress, what they dont seem to understand is that we don’t stress out because we like the feeling it brings. It isn't an intentional thing. Stress just is. I think it is crucial, for any woman going through this, to have a strong support system. I have bonded with some amazing women because of our shared infertility, I have a new level of respect and love for my husband because of the way he has supported me through this. Through prayer, and faith, I am at a place where I believe this is all just part of our story. Sure the first chapters have been a slower read than I would have liked, but I think we are on our way to the climax. Dr. Jaffe told me how important it is to reduce stress, and that she believes I am in the right place now. Of course, I cried a little. Anytime talk of my miscarriage comes up I shed a tear or two.

After the doctor left us, Mike turned to me and said "Don't you feel good about all of this?" -- Honestly, at the time, I was SO overwhelmed. There was a lot of talk about options and treatment and the future. I was trying to take it all in and I needed a moment to process everything. We left there, after my blood work, and I headed to work. I do a lot of talking to God when I am in my car, alone. Like out-loud talking. I probably look nuts to people that drive by me, or maybe they just think I am singing...
Anyway, when I was in my car I started talking. I was running through everything I heard, some verbally, some in my head. I like to think of this as a fluid, in-motion prayer. I have realized prayer isn't just about being down on bended knee, asking Him for something. Sometimes, my prayer is venting my frustrations, sometimes it's all about praise, sometimes it's just tears. That is one thing that has made this walk SO much lighter - knowing that He knows my heart, my thoughts, everything. I don't have to say anything. One thing I do LOVE is His sense of humor. I swear sometimes I feel like God is sitting there laughing at me. Most of the time, these moments come to me in signs. I throw questions up to God all of the time, sometimes I get a resounding answer and sometimes not so much (or at least not the neon sign I am hoping for). The last week I have had a lot of worry about this next step so I have been hoping for signs. The first sign came when I was on the phone with the nurse at the new doctor’s office. She told me they wouldn't have any openings until late December or possibly January. Not what I had hoped for. Then, while I was on the phone, someone called and cancelled for this morning's appointment so they were able to squeeze me in. This answered many questions - namely - asking God if this doctor was where I was supposed to be. The second sign came after stress over the financial burden of all of this. I was talking to Mike about how we would pay for all of this. He, being the eversupportive husband, said we would just figure it out. I left work, walked downstairs and there was a $5 bill laying on the ground. I smiled and thought, "Ok, Ok noted. You will provide." The 3rd sign came to me today. I was in the car, driving to work, processing all of the information and feeling a little overwhelmed. As I mentioned before, I was talking to God and just reminding myself that my faith is in Him and in His plan for me. I parked my car and started the walk from my garage to the office. Now keep in mind, I work in a downtown high rise building. Every day I am surrounded by other members of the work force, rarely do you see people that don’t look like they are working. I came around the corner and was literally thinking, "I hope I have a baby, I think I will, I have faith I will" and there was a table of women outside in the courtyard all holding infants. Some crying, some sleeping. I know it may not seem like a big deal, but when you are someone looking for signs, I felt like that was my Jeff Foxworthy moment - like God literally knocked me on the forehead and said "here's your sign". I smiled at the babies and moms and felt overwhelming peace rush over me. It's the first time, in a long time, I really feel like we are getting closer. It is an amazing feeling.

I realize I have a long journey ahead of me. I know this is the beginning of this next chapter, but my faith is renewed and I am excited to move forward. Sorry this post is a bit wordy, I get carried away sometimes. ;)

Confused and Emotional

...2 feelings every woman going through infertility can relate to, right?
When I started this blog I knew I wanted it to be my emotional outlet. SO, after my monthly scan today, I knew I needed to head to my blog. :/ I wish I could tell you it was a great visit... although, anymore, a great visit would be them telling me I am pregnant and apparently, that ain't happening.
I saw the midwife again today, this time Mike was with me, and we both really like her. I like the idea of a midwife anyway, and if I am blessed enough to end up pregnant, I plan on delivering naturally, with no medicine. I figure I have worked 3 years now - I want to saver EVERY minute of labor & delivery -- it may be my last and I don’t like being on pain meds. Plus, it’s part of the process. Working with your husband to get through something painful with the biggest payoff possible sounds amazing to me. Of course, all of this is jumping the gun, because I can't get to labor until I can get pregnant ;) Back to my story...
So I had my monthly scan and they saw 2 large cysts/follicles.. I am so confused. I clearly don't understand this as much as I thought I did. I didn't think follicles and cysts were the same thing, but apparently a follicle can become a cyst. WTF. Rabbits get pregnant monthly. Why is this SO complicated!?!?! Anyway, she told us to try again, I may or may not ovulate... (Clear as mud)
She also told us that this has been going on too long. We have done clomid 8 times now (I think). We got pregnant once, and miscarried. It just isn't what they were hoping for, so she is referring me to a reproductive endocrinologist (fancy term for IVF doctor). I realize it isn't all they do, but it is the majority. I don't know what to think. A part of me is eager to meet with them, the other part is terrified. Honestly, I never wanted it to get to IVF. We can't afford it, my insurance doesn't cover it, and there is no guarantee -- SO even if I can come up with the $12-15k I may walk away with an empty uterus and an empty wallet.
I have to keep praying, keep searching for God to show me the way in all of this. If He wants us to go through IVF, I have faith the money will sort itself out. He knows my heart yearns for this. He knows our frustrations, our sadness, our confusion, and most importantly our plan. I have to keep trusting that He's got our back in this. All of this can just be so depressing at times. I feel like I am not only letting myself down, but my husband and son as well. We all want a baby, and I often forget the effect my struggle has on them. I promise my next post will be more upbeat...

CD 2

 

If you are going through infertility you know what the title of this post means.. If not, it means I am on cycle day 2 which is something you typically wouldn't look forward to when trying to conceive.

Last month, when I went in for my follicle check I had a large cysts in my left ovary, and I mean LARGE. It was measuring at 4cm -- inside of my ovary. Now, ovaries are supposed to be about the size of an almond - mine was swollen due to the cysts which caused a lot of soreness. Fortunately, despite the golf ball in my ovary, there was also a follicle. The Midwife I saw that day told me the cyst may or may not affect my ability to get pregnant but that they wanted us to try. If nothing else, sex might help my body get rid of my ticking time bomb. She warned me that if I didn't get pregnant, I could potentially look forward to a painful period. When you have a cyst, like the one I had inside of my ovary, your body tries to pass it. If you get pregnant, the hormones your body naturally releases work to dissolve the cyst, if not... Holy Cramping! Cysts are relatively common, even to women that don’t have a problem conceiving. Some doctors believe this is why some women experience painful periods one month and not so much the next.

So my schedule has been that each month, on cycle day 1 - I call my doctor's office for a RX of Clomid. Since my little friend was on the scan last month they wanted to check me out before writing me a prescription. It wasn't a fun check, but I did get clearance to take my RX, and it appears as though my cyst is gone! Praise God! So now, it’s back to medicine and counting days... better than the alternative though, right? Maybe August will be our month!! All I can do is remind myself that all of this is in God's hands and I have to trust my faith in Him and know that He has a plan, far greater than mine. That being said, I am praying that His will be done and that we have a successful month. A little passive aggressive suggestion to the Lord can't hurt, right?! ;)