Mike and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary! We took Friday off from work and spent the day together at Epcot! I am sure Mike loved taking the day off, only to hang out at his job. :) We had a wonderful time, the weather was amazing! Usually by this time in Florida we are well into the 90's but I don't think it ever broke 82. We haven't spent a day together like that, just us two, in so long.
Here we are in Mexico at Epcot!
Saturday morning I woke up at 5 am to head to Charleston. Once of my best friends was having a baby shower and I was so glad I was able to go and spoil her a bit! I had such a nice time at the shower, and got to spend the day with some wonderful company.
All the girls with the mommy in waiting!
That night we went to dinner for my birthday, then my early wake up time caught up with me and I was ready for bed! I crashed hard, woke up at 7am and got back on the road to head home to Orlando. My boys had a soccer tournament, and I was able to make it back in time to catch the last game!
The boys getting their medals!
It was a wonderful, QUICK weekend! I can't wait for some downtime and the slow down of summer!
Last week we had our IVF class (as I posted about previously) and it went well. The class was really interesting and answered a bunch of questions for us. It also made us face the reality of the cost of IVF. Originally, I think I was in shock. I knew it was expensive, but when you see the costs on paper... wow.
It's one thing to sign up to spend a bunch of money... I mean in the long run, $14,000 is nothing to pay for human life, right? However, it's another when you are faced with the reality that it isn't a guarantee. There is no refund if you don't get pregnant, no promise that when you sign a loan to cover the cost, that then end result will be what you hope for. When that all settled in with me, it felt like someone had sucked the air out of my lungs.
Mike and I aren't wealthy, financially speaking. ;) We work hard, we manage just fine, but we don't have thousands of dollars in savings. So when I began thinking about being forced to sign my family up to take on debt just for a shot at getting pregnant... well, queue the panic attack.
When we left the class, I called my mom from my car and sobbed to her the whole way home. Mike and I had met at the class after work so I was alone. I told her (or tried to through the crying) how much guilt I had about the whole thing. I mean really, I felt like someone dropped a wheelbarrow full of bricks on top of me. I was so worried about the money side of all of it.
Guilt is one of the ugly sides of infertility. At least for me.
I've experienced guilt throughout this journey, and even though everyone involved has been there behind me, it rears it's ugly head.
Originally, I felt guilty that my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to. I felt to blame when I couldn't provide Mike with another baby, or Jake with a sibling. That guilt was compounded by people asking me when we would try to have a baby, "Don't you want Jake to have a sibling" or "he's getting so old now, they wont be close if you wait much longer" -- I know those people weren't trying to be hurtful, but that guilt would sit on me, crushing my spirit. This guilt is probably the one that has stuck with me the longest... it's been the hardest pill to swallow.
Next was the guilt I felt about having a bitter heart. Friends would announce pregnancy, baby showers, births and there have been times where it has taken every part of me to force out a "congratulations". Luckily for me, this was the easiest guilt to get over. I haven't felt this way in a long time and I am thankful for that. This is the kind of guilt that that leads to resentment and bitterness and my heart has no room for either of those feelings!
Then came the financial guilt. We have spent a lot of money on fertility treatments so far. Thankfully, we have great insurance, which has helped tremendously, but between dozens of office visits, surgeries, medicines there hasn't been a lot of extra cash laying around. I am still paying down our balance from my surgery. The financial guilt ties in with the first guilt I talked about. I don't want Jake to miss out on things because we have to make a choice between a family vacation, or adding to the family. While this might seem silly, one of the sides of infertility I am so grateful for is the appreciation I have for Jake in the first place. My time being his mom is so valuable to me, and I don't want to miss out on anything with him. So far, I don't feel like we've had to and that has made it easier for me to keep moving forward.
Can you imagine, signing your family up for thousands of dollars of debt, knowing that you may walk away empty handed? I have faith in my doctor, and of course a tremendous amount of faith in God, but my faith doesn't guarantee that my IVF cycle will work. We have to go into IVF hoping for the best outcome. If it isn't the best, we leave there with a bunch of debt, a broken heart, and of course.. no baby. That is why I just have to keep praying, asking that God take control and steer us down the right path. I feel sure that is the path we are on now, I just have to keep listening to Him and trusting the plan before me.
Lastly is the guilt I've had about the effects infertility has had on my life. My personal life, the way I feel about myself, the type of friend I have been, the type of wife and mom I have been. I get so mad at myself after I spend a few days lying around feeling depressed. When infertility takes ownership over my life, I loose. The people around me loose. Luckily, this guilt has pushed me to be a better person. Some months are harder than others, but I push myself harder now too. I won't let it take me out like it did when I miscarried. It wasn't healthy to lay around feeling sorry for myself for a week. It didn't make me feel better. I began to feel better when I got back up, when I forgave myself for my body's inability to sustain life at that time. Each month, when my period starts, I fall briefly, back into this rut. Each month, I force myself back out of it. When I say I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Mike, this is what I am referring to. He is so good at getting me back up. Bringing me back to life. :)
I guess in the end it all circles back to having faith. Faith that we are on the right path. Faith that God answers prayers.
I can't thank those of you who have donated to our GoFundMe account enough. Every time I get an email notification that someone donated, it's like a push of hope. We are so fortunate to have such an amazing group of people around us that support us. I know that for some, a donation of any amount is a sacrifice and the fact that people are willing to do that for us is overwhelming. I think I have cried (happy tears) each time I get a note that someone has donated. It really is amazing.
For right now we are taking a break. Trying to gather up funding, praying, and doing some preliminary testing for IVF. This week we both have blood work to get done; screening for any issues that may effect our ability to complete IVF. Then, our next appointment is scheduled for June 11th. That day we will sit down with Dr. J and come up with our exact treatment plan. She will lay out everything for us in great detail and we will decide when to begin. We will also be able to get a more concrete idea of final cost.
At this point I am cautiously optimistic. I am sure it will feel likes years have passed between now and June 11th, but it's just another lesson in patience, right? I can't wait to know our plan, and to know when we can begin! As always, your thoughts and prayers mean the world to us.
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