Moving on...

Breathe in, breathe out. One foot in front of the other. Day by day. These are all things I have been telling my self the last few days. Let me back up a bit, first.

I had an amazing Mother's Day. My boys were so so good to me. We started the morning with brunch with the Adams' family which was great, then headed to spend the day with some wonderful friends at a resort pool. We literally laid around, eating, drinking and swimming all day. It was perfect. That Sunday night, I think we were in bed and asleep by 9. All of this perfection despite the fact that my pregnancy test that morning was negative.

I wanted to be sad, angry, alone, but my boys wouldn't have it. Thank God for them. They got me up and moving, and I decided I would put the test results behind me and enjoy the day ahead. After all, plenty of women get negative tests, only to get a positive a few days later, right?

Sunday night (or early that morning) I woke up with some serious stomach pains. They felt different than normal period cramping and after going to the bathroom, I thought maybe I was getting sick and tried to head back to bed. I didn't sleep well, kept waking up, trying to readjust myself to get more comfortable...

When the alarm went off Monday morning, I was relieved. No more being forced to lay there rolling around. I got up, went to the bathroom and there it was. I started my cycle. In that minute, I sort of turned into a robot. I did what I needed to do, finished up in the bathroom and walked out. I was going to get through this just fine. Then I saw Mike. I told him what happened and I, emotionally, collapsed. It hit me, in that minute and I started to cry.

I wish I could tell you I held it together. I wish I could say I moved forward, got myself going and headed off to work. Instead, I got back in bed and cried. I'm not mad, I refuse to be mad, but I am heartbroken. I know all of this serves to a greater good. I know God wants to see me happy and He wants my heart fulfilled. I know that in some way, all of this pain is serving a purpose in my life, but I am screaming for mercy.

Everything in this last month was different then before, everything felt right. I felt pregnant. Having that all ripped from me felt cruel.

As the day went on I decided I had to get up and out of bed. I called my doctor's office to tell them the news, to which they wanted to run some tests. After that, I headed to Costco, because Costco makes me happy. I don't know why. I don't need 700 paper plates, but I love wondering around in there. I think I love the fact that you never know what you might stumble across in Costco. As I was going through purchasing 47 chicken breasts and 10 gallons of Gatorade, I decided to swing through the book section. I thought finding a good, new book might be just what I need. There it was... Jesus Today - Experience Hope Through His Presence a daily devotional by Sarah Young. See, apparently God is also a big fan of Costco. This little gem is normal $16 bucks but I got it for a Costco steal at a meer $7. I am only on day 2 so I can't give an entire review, but I can tell you, so far, I love it. They are short and sweet passages, intended for people moving through a phase in their lives where you need God to deliver peace and patience. (So basically everyone)

John 16:33 - "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

That is so sweet to me! I will have peace, because my Maker promises me so. There is also promise of hard times, but if I can continue to have a joyous heart, He will overcome whatever it is I am going through.

There are millions of people out there carrying a weight much heavier than mine. The grief I feel must be 1/100th of the grief felt by a mother who's child has cancer, or a wife who's husband dies for his country. My grief is small. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it does mean that we all have something. We all have a battle to face at some point in our life, and I refuse to be angry or bitter about mine. One of my close friends was messaging me yesterday and said to me, "Maybe the point is that the glory, this minute, is your words being a beacon. Don't underestimate His purpose for this Jordan. You [me via God of course] may be changing someones life." She's right. I have continuously asked, Why God? Why is this taking so long, why is this necessary? Selfish of me. I shouldn't be asking why, instead I should continue to focus on how I can make the situation I am in better and more glorifying... and that is what brings me peace and the strength to keep going.

So where do we go from here? Tomorrow night we will attend a class on IVF. This is the next logical step as it is believed that at this point, the issue is my endometriosis. In my case - scarring of the fallopian tubes causing difficulty in the eggs making their way to my uterus. In theory, IVF would eliminate this problem. The step that my body is having issue with is the step that IVF does manually. I am anxious and scared. We are praying that this is the right move for us, the move we are intended to take. I believe that God has led us this far, and I just have to keep going and remain faithful. I know the class is going to be a big download of information. I have heard how detailed IVF is and all the steps it takes and medicines it requires can be exhausting.

Moving forward. That is what we're doing. I can't express how much it means to me when people reach out to us in support. I feel your thoughts and prayers and I can personally say it has had such a positive effect on me in this journey. Just last week, a friend shared my blog on her facebook page. That led to a total stranger reaching out to me to tell me what my blog meant to her and that she was praying for us. Not to nerd out, but that is just so cool. This whole thing has been such a blessing. My blog started as a little way for me to vent and keep track of my journey and it's growing into much more than that. Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing.