Friday, August 29, 2014

Ready for take off...

So I just got a pretty awesome call from the nurse!

My re-check ultrasound showed them just what they wanted to see. My uterine lining has thinned out and we are ready to move forward! After 10 days of delays this news was much appreciated.

What this means is we are one major step closer to our frozen embryo transfer! It also means we will start a whole host of new medicines.

For my fellow infertiles here is my protocol:
Beginning Sunday the 31st I will reduce my daily lupron injection from 10 units to 5 units. We will also begin delestrogen injections every 3 days. The first injection with be 0.2ml and then we will move to 0.4ml from there. Those go in the upper outer quadrant of my butt cheek. :( ouch. Mike and I will also both begin antibiotics on Sunday. This is just to insure that we don't have any potential bacterial infections that could pass between us.

Tuesday, September 9th we head back to the doctor's office for a check-up on how things are going. This will be a big appointment. Nothing is "set" until we get through that appointment. They will do an ultrasound and blood work to determine that things are progressing like they should. If all is well, we could potentially be transferring our eggs TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 16TH!!!!!! At that point I will be considering myself P.U.P.O. (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). Also, technically at that point (if all takes) I would be about 2 weeks pregnant since start of pregnancy is counted from the first day of your last cycle.

We are so close I can taste it! We are praying that October will be a month full of excitement, and don't worry I'm already dreaming of some form of pumpkin involved announcement.

On the flip side, if this doesn't go the way we want I will do my best to keep spirits high and move on to the next month. I feel so incredibly blessed that we are where we are in this. There are 16 frozen embryos and I have all the faith in the world that at least one of them will be in my arms one day.

Our journey to baby #2 has been long and exhausting. We aren't there yet, but I feel a little like Dorthy when she steps out of the forest. If  we can just get through the poppy field we'll be at Oz! :) Lucky for us, the man behind the curtain isn't just a man. God is holding our hand this whole way. He never falters or fails. Even when I am weak, He is strong and steady. My flesh may fail, but He never will. That's all I need!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Back to the doctor...

Today was supposed to be my bounce back from my medicine screw up last week (see previous post). I know I didn't go into much detail so I will explain what I did a little more...

Let me start off with my excuse! ha! Things have been crazy in my life lately. I feel like my world is spinning at 90 miles per second and sometimes holding on is the best I can do.

Alright, now that we understand, I'll move on. Jake (7) started the 2nd grade last week! We love his teacher, so far, and are really excited for the school year. That being said The week leading up to and the week of school were hectic. Between clothes, supplies, forms to complete, etc. I was a mess. Somehow in all of that I lost my FET protocol. [FET Protocol: a paper that details what medicines I take each day.]

As soon as I realized it was gone, I called the doctor's office to get another copy. When I did, the nurse told me that I was to come in that next Thursday and that nothing changed between then and my appointment, so they would just give me a new copy Thursday. I thought that was wrong, but I didn't say anything (a minus to being non-confrontational).

Thursday came and I headed to the doctor. Without getting too wordy, basically, I was supposed to stop taking bc pills 5 days prior to my Thursday appointment. This would put me on about cycle day 2. I was still on them. I didn't have the paper that told me when to stop and the nurse said I was to keep going with my medicines. UGH. Long story short, it was a total waste of time and I had to reschedule for Today, Tuesday.

Fast forward to today's appointment. This appointment was supposed to be a check to make sure I was ready to move forward towards our FET. I am currently take 10 units of Lurpon (shot in my stomach) every morning and have been OFF of bc pills for 5 days, putting me on cycle day 2. If all went well today, they would reduce me to 5 units of Lupron and add an estrogen shot every 3 days (the dreaded butt shot). This would also allow us to schedule a tentative transfer date...

I can't tell you how much I need to hear that date. I am so desperately in need of a mental push and that date would be the first sign of light at the end of this tunnel. I understand it may not work and we may have to start all over again, but I can't put my focus on that. There's no drive or determination in believing it won't work.

Well, the nurse just called. She said my blood work looked great. My levels are right where they should be. Estrogen is low and ready to go. However... (there's always a however) my ultrasound showed that my uterine lining (aka the yolk) is too thick right now. My body isn't shedding it quite like they would have hoped. :(

So now, it's another few days of my 10 units of lupron and another ultrasound on Friday morning. Hopefully, by then, the lining will be nice and thin and we can move along.

I need to ask for your prayers. Over all I have just felt sort of defeated lately. I don't want to give up, but I am finding it hard to be joyful in this part. If you could, please pray for an encouraged heart. I won't ask you to pray for a thin uterine lining (or I will) but if you could just pray that we remain patient, and that my body cooperates.

It's crazy. The range of emotions you go through during infertility treatments is down right insane. Sometimes I feel like a super woman and sometimes I feel defeated. Thanks hormones. I just want to feel our baby(ies) kicking inside of me. I long for pregnancy symptoms. I'd give anything to be making it through morning sickness right now. I'd love to feel the pressure as my body prepares for labor. I want to be scheduling an ultrasound to see the sex of our baby(ies). I want to put away the needles and pick up the peanut butter. I'm ready for less than stellar maternity clothes and waddling like a penguin. My heart aches for the day when I feel that first contraction. I'm ready.

Shamefully, my heart is jealous of all the women I know that are in various stages of this. Not the hateful type of jealousy, but I won't lie and tell you I'm not. When I hear a newborn cry my eyes fill with tears. I want it. I want it so, so badly. Sometimes, those very emotions are the ones that fuel me to keep on going.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Sometimes you just want to scream...

Today looks like a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad day. At least that's how it started.

This morning was supposed to be my happy doctor's appointment. I was supposed to have an ultrasound and blood work, then this afternoon (if all went well) they would be calling me to tell me to start changing medications and preparing for transfer. Well none of that happened today. Ugh.

Let me back up a minute. About a week ago I lost my protocol paper (my fault). This is the paper that details what medicines I need to take on what days. It also had today's appointment on it. When I realized I lost it, I called the doctor's office and told them I lost the paper so I just wanted to check and make sure that nothing changed with my medicines prior to my 8:30 appointment on the 21st. They confirmed that I was good and that they would see me on the 21st. (FYI I am on a lupron shot and birth control)

Fast forward to today. I get to the doctor, and at check in, the front desk girl says "Ok, the balance due on your account is $900.00." I think my mouth hit the floor. After a ton of questions, we discovered that my insurance was refusing to pay anything towards having my eggs frozen. Great. Nine Hundred Dollars. I'm just supposed to whip out my check book and write them a check. I explained to the girl that when I worked with their offices financial person that she told me I would be paying for storage ($180 every quarter) as well as co-pays ($40 each visit) which was fine, but that I didn't just have $900 to give them. She told me I could call and speak to finance to set up a payment plan, which I will do, but that was blow number 1 today.

When I finally got called back to the ultrasound room the nurse looked at me and said, "OK, what day did you start your period?" - "Uhm, I haven't - I'm on the birth control you guys perscribed me..."
Guess what? I was supposed to stop birth control 4 days ago in hope that today would be cycle day 2 or 3. Would have been great if the nurse told me that when I called to see if any of my meds were supposed to change prior to my appointment. She quickly left the room and a few minutes later my doctor's nurse came in. Basically, I screwed up. Now I have 5 more days of shots, 5 days of delay, 5 days of wasted time, effort, needles, drugs, money.

I was/am so frustrated with myself I just broke down and started sobbing. I know 5 days doesn't seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I know it's going to work out ok. I know that God provides, and that despite my guilt, He will find the means to our new giant bill. I know all of this and in a few hours I will probably calm down, but right now I just want to scream.

The guilt, the stress, the pain, all of the ugly parts of this rear it's head just when I begin to think I have it all under control. A reminder that control shouldn't be what I'm after in the first place. I goofed and lost an important paper. It's ultimately my problem that is now causing me a 5 day delay. At a time in our lives when money is extremely tight a $900 bill feels like a burden I can't bare. All of this makes me feel frantic, stressed and out of control.

Father, this is when I need you. I am reminded that I can't fix everything, do everything, be everything. I have to let go and let You take over.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A case of the Mondays..

Happy Monday! If you're like me, Monday's aren't your favorite day of the week. For whatever reason, I wake up so sleepy and grumpy on Monday's. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, I allow this to set the tone of the day.

We all have things that set us off. Silly, insignificant things that can sneak up on us and steal the joy right out of our day. That is what my wake-up this morning did to me. I was the middle-schooler, fighting the wake-up. Pulling the covers back on and praying that my next peek at the alarm clock would reveal that I read it wrong previously. Guess what... it wasn't wrong. It was time to get up and get the day going.

My sweet boy is spending his last week of summer break at soccer camp this week and I had an 8:15am doctor's appointment, so our morning was quick and rushed. Getting dressed, packing lunch, searching for shin guards, brushing teeth, whew! I need a nap already. After we got out of the house and on our way it didn't improve much. Traffic was obnoxious and there is just never enough time. I got him to camp and me to the doctor with 3 minutes to spare. Victory! Sweet Victory!

The appointment this morning was to get our "green light" to proceed with our FET (frozen embryo transfer) this month. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, a few days ago, heck, even Sunday, I would have told you how excited I am to get this process underway. But of course, Monday stole my joy and I am not feeling very encouraged.

That being said, I know it's just a bad mood. Nothing more, nothing less. I will get over it, and probably by tonight, I will be back to me. Maybe it's the birth control, maybe it's the upcoming 20+ days of needles, maybe it was the $330 check I had to write for frozen embryo storage...who knows... I just wasn't my normal "excited to be here self" at the doctor's office this morning. That being said, my baseline ultrasound went "perfect" - everything looks great and I am full steam ahead towards our FET. That should have put a smile on my face right? Meh.

Tomorrow morning between 6-8AM we begin daily stomach shots again. This time a drug called Lupron. It's a small dose and won't be awful, but I can't tell you how much I look forward to the day when I can throw all those dang needles AWAY. This will be every morning for the next 10 days, after that we go back to the doctor for blood work and an ultrasound. They will be making sure my uterus looks ready for baby and then we begin MORE shots. At that point, if all is well, we start adding an estrogen shot every 3 days. That one has to go in the muscle in my butt. New shot + new location = new anxiety. I have heard the butt shots are the worst part of all of this and I am not looking forward to it. A few days after that we add a daily progesterone shot (also in my arse). The best news yet?!.... If I am lucky enough for our FET to work and we are pregnant... these shots continue throughout the FIRST TRIMESTER! All 3 months... well 2.5 months really.

Did you hear that door slam? That was my last bit of joy today... leaving.

I know I know, perk up buttercup. You're getting there! Not much longer now! It's all worth it!

Trust me, I will get there, but today I want to pout. No one on earth can turn my frown upside down today. Unless, of course, you send me a big bouquet of flowers or chocolate covered strawberries, that would surely make me smile. :)

Yet, just like the Grinch, I feel a small twinge in my heart. It's starting to grow, some how some way a little bit of sunshine is sneaking in. How is that? God is how. Even when I want to roll in my own darkness, He doesn't let me. He reminds me of how great my life is. How many wonderful things He has placed before me. Jake was so sweet to me this morning, even when I was a little cold. A friend of mine took time out of her beach vacation to uplift me without even knowing she was doing it. My husband sent me a simple text that reminded me how invested he is in all of this. I have a lot to be joyful about, even when I don't want to admit it. I get to move forward in infertility treatments. My scan today was "perfect" and we are that much closer to transferring 2 of our 16, SIXTEEN, one-six, beautiful embryos.

While I might want to hide under the covers today, there is a smile on my heart. I have a lot to be joyful about.