I debated even writing about this, but then again, that sort of is the whole reason I began this blog in the first place. I made a commitment to myself as well as any readers to be upfront and honest about everything I am going through.
To be honest, I never thought we would get to IVF. This entire time I have been in complete denial about it going on this long. Next month makes 4 years of us trying to conceive (ttc). 4 years. That's a long time.
I have always had my own opinions of IVF. Most of them formed prior to me being a mom, certainly prior to me facing the fact that I am infertile. Even now that statement makes me feel broken. I am infertile. My body is seemingly unable to do the very thing that makes being a female so special, at least on it's own anyway.
Of course, no one, ever has conceived "on their own" - we all know how it works. You need functioning reproductive organs, and a man (or at least his finest swimmers) unless of course, you're Mary. Which I'm not, but even she didn't do it alone. God placed that baby there - He's the 3rd part after all. The most important part.
So anyway, back to my thoughts on IVF. Like I said before, I developed my opinions early on. I remember thinking things like, "well, if you can't conceive naturally maybe that's a sign" or "IVF seems like a bunch of doctor's with a god-complex".
What a jackass I was. At the very least, naive. Granted, at the time, I didn't understand what it was like to have a baby of your own. How important it would become to me to carry a baby for 40 weeks and cradle it in my arms. Now I know. God blessed Mike and I with that. So blessed, in fact, that I got to carry that thing for 42 weeks. In September. In Charleston, SC, and every day I pray that I get to do that again some day.
What once were naive thoughts, are now the very things that taught me to expand my view of the world. It isn't a sign if you can't conceive naturally, at least not one that says you shouldn't be a mom. If that was the case, the desire wouldn't be on my heart in the first place. I don't deserve a baby less because I have stingy ovaries or blocked fallopian tubes.
IVF isn't a process built by doctor's who want to play god. Sure, there are doctor's who abuse it (i.e. Octo-mom's doctor) but the miracle that is reproductive endocrinology is just that, a miracle. I believe, without a doubt, that God is working through my doctor. I believe we were brought to her through Him, and that we will find our success through Him as well.
Nothing has brought me as close to Christ as infertility has. I wish I could say otherwise. I wish I was always this close. There have been times in my life where I have been, just like there have been dark times. So how can I hate infertility? I can be tired, annoyed, disappointed, exhausted, but at the end of the day it has changed me for the better.
Tonight starts a new chapter for us. I am anxious. Excited even. I have so many questions, so many concerns. I don't know how we will pay for it, how long it will take, or how it will end. I don't know if this will be a one time thing, or if we'll have to try many times. All of these variables, all of these unknowns could make a control freak..
I am ready for this. We are ready for this. I've got a notebook and a pen, and I am going to sit there in the front row with bells on, ready for this.
My faith is bigger than my infertility.
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