Monday, April 28, 2014

Our Second IUI...

We are officially in the 2 week wait. :)

Sunday morning Mike had to be at the doctor at 7 a.m. for his... ahem... appointment. Isn't that awful? I felt bad that he had to be there so early, but he took it in stride and was very sweet not to complain. I had to go at 10 for my part, so I lucked out as far as timing.

Since it fell on a Sunday you don't get to pick what doctor you see, as the office was closed, so I saw the on-call rather than Dr. Jaffe. The new-to-me doctor was very nice, and after reviewing my ultrasounds, and Mike's results he said everything looked perfect. Once the IUI was complete he told me that it went beautifully, wished me luck and said my chances this month are as good as any. Once he left, the nurse let me know that she would come back to get me in about 20 minutes, so I laid there reading scripture, surfing facebook, and singing along to the music piped into the exam room.

It was that easy. I was done, and on my way to Jake's soccer game.

Let me back up a bit though. The days leading up to this appointment were very emotional and spiritual for me. After the start of my last cycle I was down in the dumps a bit, and honestly sort of looking past this month on to May and the start of IVF class. I had written off the process in my mind, but we decided to try again, once more, since we had to wait for the IVF class in May anyway. I figured, if nothing else, it would help me pass the time between cycles. I prayed a lot, asking God to step in and show me the path we should be on. I vented my frustrations with this journey, and how emotionally exhausting it is. So when the doctor encouraged us to add a new drug, Mike and I had the "why not" attitude. At this point, I may as well, right? Who knows, maybe this would be what we were missing. Unfortunately, the new drug was shots.. every other night for a week. The first one went really, really, really badly. I melted down and was just sobbing. It isn't about pain for me, it doesn't feel much worse then a bee sting, honestly. It's just exhausting. I don't have a better word for it. The entire process is exhausting. The 2nd shot went much better, and I felt like I had regained my strength and was ready to push forward. The 3rd shot... meh. I wasn't such a bad patient (like I was the first time) but I did cry. I was finally able to vocalize to Mike that I just want to be done with all of this. All of the needles, and the timing, and the stressing, and the medicines, and the hormones that trigger all of the emotion. He just loved me, told me I am doing great and helped me get past it. Although, I am 99% sure he wanted to tell me how much he can't wait for the hormones and the crazy to be over as well!

We did the 3rd shot after our ultrasound, so I knew I had 2 strong eggs on the left ovary. When I started to cry Mike reminded me of the firsts we had this month. 1 - 2 follicles! 2! We've barely had one most months so two was huge. 2 - They were both on my left ovary! My left ovary never does anything. All of the other follicles have been on the right.
Those are 2 huge firsts. Two new things that deserve God's praise. I had been asking for renewal in this, and there it was. I knew it, but it took Mike to make me see it that way. That next night, we had to do the trigger shot. That was Friday night, and I took it like a champ. We both had places to be that night, so I lay down and we were done in a matter of seconds. That was the last major step before our Sunday appointment and I was feeling really strongly about the direction we were headed in. I decided to try and focus on the weekend rather then my infertility and we had a great time.

Friday night, while Mike was coaching youth soccer, I had a girls night. A wonderful friend hosted the night at her home, we had food, wine, and I taught the girls how to make a burlap wreath. We laughed a lot, and had a great time. Saturday, we had the first of two soccer games for the weekend, followed by a birthday party. Jake had a great game and a blast with his friends at the party. From there we hurried home to get showered and head out to try a new church. When you have a weekend schedule like ours, making it to Sunday morning service can be difficult, and while it is a priority, we were excited to hear about a church in the area that had 2 services Saturday evening and 2 Sunday morning. Given my appointment this past Sunday, it was a fit so we gave it a try.

I really enjoyed it. They had a great kid's service (which is huge to parents) and the adult service was great as well. During worship, one of my favorite songs played, Marvelous Light, and it put me in the perfect place, spiritually. The song is about leaving your sins and mistakes behind you and running into the Marvelous Light of the Lord. That not only do we, as Christians, run to the Light, but that the light begins to shine out of us to everyone else. I hope my light, the light put in me by God shines. I hope my light draws others in, and that they are able to see the comfort and peace I have in all of this, and that it is a direct reflection of my faith.

Sunday morning, I woke up and was excited to get to the doctor. As soon as I got into my car, I put on my worship radio station on iTunes radio and just let it play. The songs, every single song, was exactly what I needed. I swear it was like God himself was operating my play list. I think I cried and sang the whole way to the doctor and not a SINGLE sad tear. All tears of happiness and praise and gratitude. The one that really got to me was "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship and the lyrics are incredible:

"I may be weak, but your spirits strong in me,
My flesh may fail, but my God you never will"

I can't always be strong. I will cry again. I will fall again. I will experience more difficulties, but it doesn't matter because He is steadfast and strong. I am never alone. Never. He not only wants whats best for me, but He knows whats best for me, and as long as I remain faithful, He will give it to me exactly as it's meant to be given. That is what faith is all about. Trusting in a plan you don't have the blue prints for.

For now, we wait. Faithfully. 2 weeks of remaining patient, taking my medicines, focusing on the incredible life I have with my boys. I can't wait for the day we get a positive pregnancy test, or hear our baby's heartbeat and I know that day is in our future. It's a marvelous light I tell ya'! ;)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Whats Better than 1 growing follicle?...

2 of them!

Yep! This morning, I went to the doctor for blood work and an ultrasound follicle check and sitting right there on my left ovary was 2, two, dos, b-e-a-utiful follicles, (aka eggs).

I know I know, most people may not get why that is so exciting, BUT for me it's a big deal. It took surgery and months on fertility meds to get 1 follicle to appear, so two of them is awesome! What this means is, my booster meds are working, and my chances of getting pregnant this month increased, because, obviously 2 follicles means that much more of a chance that (at least) one of them gets fertilized. It does not mean we will get pregnant with twins, necessarily, although it does greatly increase that chance as well. :)

I don't think I can put into words how exciting this is for us. Days like this boost me up, and remind me that I am on the right path, God's path. He knows what month it will be, He knows what's best for us, and I am confident in His timing. He is making the perfect baby(s) for us and if that takes time, then so be it! When this child is given to us, we will do our best to raise her that sweet baby to love and honor God. ;)

Please, please, please pray for us. Pray that this is our month, pray that we have peace and patience. Ultimately, I always pray for God's will to be done, but He knows the desires of my heart. He knows how badly we want this. Pray that if this isn't our month that we pick up and keep going. I thank Him every chance I get, in happiness and sadness, and I will continue to do so.

Since my last post, we began the plan of action. My first shot was dramatic. Envision a two year old tantrum... that was me. Sometimes I suppress my emotions about all of this. Sometimes I get so busy that I don't take the time to process how I feel, and it all ends up dumping out (on Mike) at some random time. This time, it was cycle day 7. I had just finished my last pills of Letrozole and it was time for the shot. I mixed my medicine, got ready and it was go time. Mike picked up the syringe and queue the orchestra... I panicked. Total freak out. Mike tried to stay patient with me but I just lost it. After the fact, I realized it was about so much more than the shot, it was a mash-up of everything that's happened to me in the last month. I worked it out, and moved on -- the silver lining to my little black rain cloud! Last night (cycle day 9) was my 2nd shot and, compared to last time, I took it like a champ. I kept telling myself I was not going to cry and be a baby this time, and I didn't. I did a lot of nervous laughing, but I got through it in record time...

And all of that led me to today. Here I sit, with 2 fat follicles waiting to be fertilized! The nurse called and said Dr. Jaffe reviewed my scan and blood work and thinks everything looks great! SO... I do one more Brevelle (estrogen) shot tomorrow night, then the trigger shot to make me ovulate Friday night, then the IUI Sunday morning. 10 am Sunday morning, I will be at the doctor's office, ready for insemination. The day of the Lord. While I lay there for 15 minutes, I plan to read Scripture, listen to worship music, and pray. After that, it's back to the dreaded two-week wait...

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

National Infertility Awareness Week...

For my facebook friends, you have most likely seen my post regarding NIAW, but for other, or if you didn't please check out the NIAW Website. There is a lot of great posts for people dealing with infertility, as well as some great posts for those of you supporting someone going through infertility treatments.

For me, I had no real understanding of what this is like until I found myself in the middle of it. 1 in 8 couples have infertility issues... how many couples do you know?! Compassion makes the world go round.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

An Update to the Plan...

Yesterday I went to see the ladies at CRM (my fertility doctor) for my ovary check and, as I mentioned, everything was good to go. Today I went back for a visit with Dr. Jaffe. We discussed my current plan and then talked about where to go from here.

After her review, and listening to us me talk about our concerns, this is what we came up with:
 - This month I will do the Letrozole (I am right now) for days 3-7
 - Begining day 7 Mike will be giving me an injection every other night of a drug called Bravelle.
 - Day 10 - I will go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Depending on those results, I will continue  to take the Bravelle every other night until we are told to stop.
 - Once we stop, we will do the HCG (aka trigger) shot, followed by IUI 36 hours later.

THAT is a lot of shots. I can do this. I got this.

In regards to my new plan, here's what I learned today: Estrogen is like the fertilizer of hormones. It is credited with nourishing the egg pre-ovulation, so idealy estrogen levels should be high to insure good egg quality. {Think the scene from Willy Wonka were the goose eggs roll down the shoot to the machine that determines if they are good or bad.} Obviously, we dont have a machine that tells us that, so often times a woman might not get pregnant because her egg wasn't the golden egg. What makes that egg golden? ESTROGEN. Last month (and in months past) my estrogen has been a little low. This isn't abnormal for women on Letrozole, but it can cause issues. Guess what Bravelle does... it boosts estrogen. The nurse told me that some women just need that boost of estrogen, so I am praying thats what it is.
Another super-nifty bit of information... if you read my previous posts, or  this one, you know that I whined about the burn of the medicine. Wellll... that is caused by a protein in the drug, and if you mix the medicine and let it sit for about 20-30 minutes that should go away. How cool is that? Now I know, because that burn every other night for a week, yikes.

Aside from that, we also discussed IVF with Dr. Jaffe today. She agrees that if this cycle doesn't take, that it is time to start moving forward. Our doctor requires us to take a class on IVF prior to begining a cycle and the next class is May 14th. Coincidently, right about the same time I would be finding out if I am pregnant or not. So that is our plan, schedule the class, then be more than happy to call and cancel it when I find out I'm pregnant! Ha! Oddly enough, the nurse and the doctor both told me that I wouldn't believe how many people get pregnant right after scheduling the class...

With the jinx of the class,  and the free flowin' estrogen, I am really thinking this might just be the month. I've said before that each month feels closer, and I still feel that way. Unfortunately, feeling closer means higher expectations so the crash has gotten a little more brutal, but for now I'll keep on keeping on. Remaining faithful and patient is all I can do, the rest is in His hands!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Moving On Up...

Well moving out anyway!

Please Baby Please will be moving to a new blog host which means I will have a new address. I am really excited about it! I am going to a more user friendly blog host AND I have enlisted the help of a really talented graphic designer who is going to give my blog some style.

Please Baby Please has become so important to me, and one day I can't wait to share it with our next child, so it seemed right to me to invest a little more of "me" into it. I didn't realize how much I would enjoy this outlet, so rest assured even after we are done "getting pregnant" this blog will just morph into more about the rest of our lives.

I can't wait to reveal the new blog to you. Of course, I long for the day when I get to reveal something even more important, but in the mean time this is pretty exciting for me!

Aside from that, I wrote a blog post late last week after taking a pregnancy test. I knew when it came back negative that I needed to start my monthly healing process. Friday night, after work, I went for a cocktail with two girlfriends from work, just one ;), and headed home to sulk a little. Quite honestly, I had to cry it out. I put on some music and soaked it away in a really hot tub. Sometimes, I find a little peace in indulging in things I know I wont be able too once I finaly get a bun in this oven. That night it was one Crown & Ginger and a HOT bath. I cried a little... ok maybe more than a little, and then I decided to get back up and at em'.

One of the hardest parts about all of this, is the fact that my mom and best friends are 400 miles away. Don't get me wrong, Mike is amazing, but he isn't a girl, anddd I know this isn't easy on him either, so sometimes I just don't want to make it worse on us. I have made friends here, wonderful friends, that I love dearly, but they have busy lives and plenty going on and I don't want to intrude. Not that my best friends from home don't have busy lives, just that I don't mind intruding. haha. I miss my girls back home, my mom most of all. Those girls know me, and when I'm going through something they force me through it. Maybe I need a Charleston trip, or better yet... maybe they should come visit, hint hint.

Anywho, Today is Wednesday. Today is a new day, and day 3 of my cycle. Today I had an ovary check, to clear me for medicine again. No cysts! Praise God, take heart in His blessings big or small, right? Me not having a cyst may seem small in the scheme of things, but I will take it with a grin on my face. Today I will start medicine again. Pills for 5 days, then another ultrasound, then the shot, then potentially an IUI again.. if you read this blog, it's old news.

That being said, if this month doesn't work out how we are hoping, Mike and I will be attending a class at our doctor's office on IVF. Those scary 3 letters. Whew. I have been praying a lot about this lately. This June will mark the 5 year anniversary of my surgery, and 4 years of us trying to concieve. That is a long time. A long, taxing time. I am doing my best to remain patient, but at what point do you just say enough already! A what point is it ok to look into something more? My doctor seems to agree that we are there. She told me she is happy to keep going with my treatment now and believes it will eventually get us where we want to go, but at what cost and how long? I don't want to get to a point where I hate this. I mean I hate that I can't just get pregnant of course, but I certainly don't hate life right now. I have bad days. Mike can atest to that, but I have really great ones too, just like everyone else. I don't want the negative to out-weigh the positive and maybe IVF is our path. I just have to keep praying, asking for God's will, guidance, clarity, patience. patience. patience. I also want to do what is best for my body. I don't want to increase risk anymore than I have too, and between my endometriosis, cysts, fibroid, etc. IVF may be the easiest, safest way.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Pardon Me...

...while I process something via my blog. Long story short, this wasn't our month. I am not pregnant.

Those 4 words are like a blow to my heart. For the first time, in a long time, I really thought this was it. My brain and my heart both wanted it so badly that they played tricks on me. I felt... different, I felt pregnant. I know I need to be patient and faithful, and I am, but that doesn't lessen the sting. I mean, how long do you go before it's time to give it up? I know I'm not there yet, but the thoughts creep into my mind more and more.

I want to remain full of grace, strong, faithful, but every month a piece of my armour feels like it's ripped away from me. I did everything I was supposed to do this month, as did Mike, and it still wasn't enough. We just need to catch a break. I need a renewed spirit and a push to keep moving forward.

I could tell you I'm fine, that it's fine, maybe next month, but the human side of me doubts that. I have faith, I believe completely that He hears my cry, and will fufill when the time is right, but that doesn't make the wrong time (now) any easier. Well, that's not entirely true. It DOES make it easier. Maybe not today, when my wound is fresh and packed with salt, but I will, of course, get past this.

I am praying, begging even, for the heart of Hannah. Hannah was the mother of Samuel, barren and despressed, she cried out in her pain but never lost faith. She continued to praise God and eventually she became pregnant. First to Samuel, then to other children. Unlike other infertile women in the Bible, Hannah never turned her back or doubted God, she remained faithful, even when she couldn't bring herself to eat or drink. He lifted her up, and I know that is instore for me. I just have to remain faithful.

We have some things to discuss, our next steps, how we get back up, the plan moving forward. I am thankful for busy, demanding schedules, for my sweet boy, my rock of a husband, my family and friends. I wish I had better news to share. I wish I could have gotten a positive pregnancy test. On to the next month.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014


Just about every month, since we began fertility treatments, I have learned something new about infertility, fertility, baby making, whatver you want to call it. First and foremost, as I have mentioned before, it has given me a whole new respect for the miracle that is growing a person inside your lady-bits.

Seriously, I don't think most people fully apprectiate what has to happen in order for a woman to become pregnant. It is SO complicated. The "birds and the bees" doesn't even scratch the surface. When you really get into what the female body does each month... whew! No wonder we are tired all the time! It blows my mind how complex and exact it is, and how someone can witness that and not believe in a higher power is just insane to me.

Granted, if I was able to pop babies out like some other people I may not appreciate it all the way I do, mostly because I probably wouldn't have taken the time to learn about it in such detail.

Anywho, this month has been a big learning month for me. We completed our first IUI (fingers crossed) so that was certainly educational ;) and yesterday I went in for some follow up bloodwork. Nothing overly exciting, but they tested my progesterone levels. Progesterone is a hormone you begin producing post ovulation. It ticks up each day, and carries on through your pregnancy. If you aren't pregnant, your bodies tells itself to stop producing the hormone and your lovely period begins. Progesterone is KEY in maintaining a healthy pregnancy. It is vital to your body's ability to sustain and nourish fetal development.

Often times, women with fertility issues have low progesterone. While I never had an issue with Jake, I have to think of everything as brand new because my body is SO different now then it was then in regards to my reproductive organs, and the size of my hips, and thighs, and stomach.. ok so a lot is different from 20 year old Jordan to now. Everything is new to me.

That being said, I just assumed my progesterone would be fine. The nurse called after lunch time with results from my bloodwork. She said I did ovulate (that's another thing progesterone tells us) but that my levels were a little low. They would like them to be a 10 or higher and mine were a 9. I asked if that meant I wasn't pregnant and she told me, "absolutely not". Progesterone tells us a lot of things, but it isn't an indicator of pregnancy. She did explain that while it doesn't have much negative effect now, if I am pregnant, low progesterone is dangerous so they like to get ahead of the curve and boost it. Guess what that means?!.... Another medicine. A pill to be exact, except this one isn't taken oraly if you catch my drift. This is a progesterone pill and I have to take it each night before I go to sleep, similar to that of a monistat pill. ;) So while she was telling me all of this, she said "that way, when/if the fertalized egg implants your levels will be nice and high" which was interesting to me because I had assumed either I had or hadn't already implanted.

I don't know why, exactly, but I just thought implantation happened like a day or two after fertilization. Not true! It typically happens between 7-9 DPO (days past ovulation) - with the most probable day being tomorrow! It's crazy to be this involved in the daily steps of becoming pregnant. Living in the moment, knowing I could be growing a sweet baby right now. It is a double edged sword for sure, but I'm ok with that. I am giving all of this up to God. He know's how much we want this. My time for this month isn't up yet. There is still a lot of work left to be done. I will be taking my pills, praying, and counting down the days. If ever I have asked for prayer, I am asking for it now. If this isn't our month, so be it. I will continue on, continue to fight and pray and learn. For now I am hopeful and optimistic, waiting to see two lines on that test. <3