Happiness in infertility...

Most of the time, when I sit down to write a blog post, the words come easily. Usually, when I am blogging about a doctor's appointment, or an update I just sit down and start talking to myself, typing whatever it is I say in my head. This post, however, has been something that has weighed pretty heavily on my heart for the last week or so. I keep typing paragraphs only to later delete them. At first, I couldn't put my finger on why the words weren't coming to me like I wanted them too. I realized, my problem is a reflection of the importance of the post. My desire to have it come across in the right way outweighs my desire to get the post published. This post, like my others, is never meant to come off as offensive, and I pray that I am able to communicate my thoughts in a way that makes people stop and think.


Recently, I joined an infertility support group. After following a few facebook pages, I thought it would be a good way for me to see how other women are dealing with infertility. I went in with an open mind and a big heart, hoping for an uplifting experience that would support my journey, while helping to support other women like me.
As a christian, I know how important fellowship is. While God is the root of the tree, the people you choose to walk through life with are like the soil. Nurturing, uplifting, and encouraging your faith. This is also true for non-believers. I think everyone can agree that the people you surround yourself with are directly related to your quality of life. Positive friendship and fellowship are like that rich, black potting soil. Anytime you add them to your life, your tree pushes out a new branch with bright green leaves. When a friendship fades or becomes negative in it's influence, that once rich soil turns to sand. You can choose to loose a branch or you can go out and get some new soil.
My hope, in joining the support group was that it would be a new truck load of soil. Not because I have recently lost any of my support system, but just to enhance my leaves :)
In the beginning, I really enjoyed the group. We shared stories, swapped tips, asked questions... but then the group began to get a little... well, sandy. The women in the group started talking about frustrations (which is healthy) which led to anger, which led to bitterness, which led to hate. I felt like I was watching just how dangerous choosing to be unhappy can be.

No part of this journey has been easy for me. Guess why... not because I am a wimp or because this burden is more than I can bear. It's because this is the hardest thing I have gone through yet. My struggle with infertility has been the most difficult phase of my life, thus far.
Think I'm complaining? Absolutely not. When I repeat that phrase to myself over and over, I don't dive deeper into sadness, I start to glow. How did I get so lucky? How is it that my struggle (so far) in life, has been my inability to have baby number 2? This walk seems steep because I don't have anything harder to compare it to. My mountain seems giant in my little world, but when I see what others are going through, my mountain becomes a mole hill.
One of the number one questions I get is how am I able to keep going and keep the faith in all of this. That last paragraph is how. While it still sucks that we haven't been able to announce a pregnancy, I am happy to take on this burden in comparison to others.
A few things the women in the group struggled with most made me realize, as humans, just how self-centered we can be. Absolutely stuck in the weeds of our problems. It is so easy to get stuck, it really is. I have days where I am bogged down, too, but at some point I control my happiness. The world doesn't owe me a baby. God never promised me a struggle free life. Character shines it's brightest when the world seems it's darkest.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard a woman complain about her good friend getting pregnant so easily, or how she moans about discomfort during pregnancy, or how she posts a million pictures of her new baby, how rude! Doesn't she know what a blessing it is, doesn't she understand how lucky she is? Why her and not me? The answer is no, she doesn't know. She doesn't understand how hard it is, and how can we expect her too? It doesn't make her a bad person. It doesn't mean she doesn't feel sorry for you. Pregnancy can be really hard on some people. While getting pregnant is the biggest hurdle in your life, it isn't in hers. Rather than lusting over what she has that you don't, you have to focus on the rich parts of your life. That baby she's posting pictures of, she deserves to. She loves that baby and wants to show it to everyone she meets. Can you blame her? Would you feel any differently in her position. She isn't posting those pictures with the thought of "what infertile women can I offend today", I promise.
This, in and of itself is what makes infertility harder than it has to be. We cry that we feel alone, yet we ostracize ourselves from the world. We complain that no one understands, yet we don't take the time to be vocal about our struggles or to become involved in someone else's. We become bitter and jealous towards women that get pregnant easily, yet we don't stop to think that just like we feel that they are insensitive when they complain about being up all night with a crying baby, there are people in your city that would give their everything to have infertility be the biggest burden in their lives.

Want my advice on how to stay happy through infertility, here it is:

Lower your expectations on what happiness is. It isn't a perfect life, it isn't a permanent feeling. You will have good days and bad days. What matters most is the drive to push on through the bad ones.

Have faith. I have said it before, and I'll say it again... I can't imagine going through this without God.

Volunteer - take a look at the world around you. Spend time working with people who need your time. Gain a greater appreciation for the word "struggle".

Find patience and peace with your current situation. It isn't settling, it's choosing to be happy.

Use your struggle to find a greater appreciation for the people around you. Strive to not be hypocritical, but instead understanding.

Give back to women that are dealing with infertility. Working to make them feel better will in turn make you feel better. Iron sharpens Iron.



This journey is hard, and sometimes it really sucks. But just like with all struggle, it stretches who you are and makes you stronger. It's OK to vent to your friends or your fellow infertiles, but remember to spread as much love as you do anger. It feels good to get if off your plate, but it feels even better when you choose to smile. :)