Some days are easier than others. Some days infertility only crosses my mind 100 times, rather than every other thought.
Sometimes the guilt I feel is heavy. Sometimes my heart aches. There are days where I find myself angry at the world.
It is impossible for me to hear a newborn cry without crying myself. I yearn for that new baby smell. I have to stop myself from walking up to strangers and asking if I can hold their baby.
I can't tell you how badly I want to be the 7 month pregnant woman in the grocery store, rubbing her belly, while everyone around her insists on unloading her groceries.
I can't wait for the day that I see two pink lines and go screaming to my husband. I'm positive it won't be graceful, or thought-out. It will probably involve me shaking and barely remaining conscious.
I long for the day that we get to make the call to our family and friends to shout the news... I have dreamed about how I will share that most wonderful news.
When I imagine what it will be like to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time, or see them on a sonogram, or feel them kicking in my tummy a lump rises in my throat and goosebumps cover my arms.
I can't wait for the day that I get to take our son to the doctor with me to see his baby brother or sister for the first time. Or the moment when he walks into our hospital room to see his new sibling.
These are the things that keep me holding on and holding out. These feelings are what drives me and reassures me that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I have no doubts.
I will praise God through the good days and the bad. I give Him all my struggle and I give Him all my joy.
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