breathe..
That's what I have to keep telling myself. Just breathe. It's going to be fine. Taking care of 2 newborn babies won't be that hard. Right? RIGHT? right..
I think, until recently, the idea of twins has been so sweet and miraculous. Going through IVF sucked, but the outcome of 2 babies made it so worth it. Every needle, every tear, every negative pregnancy test. The last 5 and a half years of making it my daily mission to be happy. To be thankful. To keep going. It's all led us to this place. 25 weeks (tomorrow) pregnant with twins. A blessed place.
Don't think for a second I'm not grateful, or that this isn't the outcome I have prayed for, dreamed about. I can't wait to meet them. I can't wait to take them home and begin our life as a family of 5...
...but, if I'm being totally honest.. I'm also a ball of nerves. Two babies. at once. Oy vey! I know I will adjust, I'll be fine. We will "figure it out". A schedule will be imperative. We will learn what works and what doesn't. At this point, when I'm feeling rational, I just tell myself - "The first year will be a comedy of errors". I know Mike and I will feel like we've just won the gold in some team Olympic sport on their first birthday. Only to be trumped by the next phase - toddler twins.
Last night I had such vivid dreams about them. In my first dream I was standing over them, the house was clean and quiet, they were asleep in one of the cribs together. It was so sweet. I knew it was a dream even during it because everything was so perfect. Clean home, sleeping twins, I even had real clothes on and I think my hair and make up were done. It may not have been a part of that dream, but I'm sure dinner was in the oven and I had some great dessert from Pinterest planned.
Then I woke up. Because I had to pee. For the 4th time.
My next dream started off similar - the babies sleeping, me watching. {side note: what am I doing standing there watching? I need to be sleeping!} Only this time one of the babies kept accidentally knocking it's head against the side of the crib.
I realized when I woke up (to go pee, of course) this stems from my personal fear of not having bumpers. Last night, I worked on the cribs a little bit and they still seem empty without bumpers. In case you aren't aware bumpers are so 2006. No one uses them anymore. They're practically baby killers... You may know them as bumpers but their really just suffocation torture devices disguised in soft fabric with cute animals dancing down the sides of them.
I liked bumpers. I like them still. It made me happy to know my kid couldn't accidentally ram his head into the wooden rods that make up the sides of the cribs. And yes, I've seen the mesh ones. Not a fan. I mean, babies survived for YEARS with bumpers in their cribs.
Clearly, when it comes to bumpers, I need to just let it go. Hopefully though, this gives you a little taste as to how my brain has been working recently. Everything is stressing me out.
This twin thing won't be easy. I know there are going to be times where I just have to put them in their cribs and walk away for a few minutes. I know there will be times where I sit there, holding them, and all 3 of us are crying. I will be exhausted. I will be sloppy. My house won't always be clean and I may be sending Mike and Jake to pick out something clean from the laundry baskets. I see a lot of "breakfast for dinner"s in our future. I see a lot of clutter. I see a lot of figuring it all out..
...but I also see a lot of love. I see 3 beautiful children and an awesomely supportive husband. I see a mom who's doing the best she can. I see friends and family around us trying to help. These are the things I need to focus on when the anxiety sets in. These are things that will get us through. Well that and Jesus. And caffeine. <3
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