Guess what?...

I finally get to shout:

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!

Yep, you read that right! I am officially pregnant! I know I know, if you keep up with the blog, I wasn't supposed to know until Monday, but last Tuesday I got a little ancy. 

I couldn't hold out anymore and it was time to take a test. That morning, I tested and guess what? A big ol' positive! That day I called my nurse and she moved my appointment to Thursday. 

Thursday morning came, I got my blood work done and just sat around waiting for the nurse to call. She finally did around lunchtime to tell me that my test was not only positive, but that my numbers were nice and high! My beta, the pregnancy test in which you are supposed to have a 50 or higher, came back at 292! They made me an appointment to come back on Saturday to make sure the number was doubling...

Saturday finally came and again, I was waiting for the call. I got it right before Jake's soccer game started. My numbers more than doubled to a wonderful 630!

We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 16th to see our baby(ies)! We will know at that time more details, but my preliminary due date is June 4th!!

We are on cloud 9! I of course cried and probably will at every appointment here on out! I just can't believe this. I can't express to you our joy and our thankfulness. God is amazing!

I know we have a long way to go, but we are taking this one day at a time and celebrating every step of the way! 

Our Frozen Embryo Transfer...

What a day.

I knew today would be special. I knew it would be a big day. I didn't realize how special or how big though. I don't think I could have ever imagined it being as amazing as it was.

Today was our first embryo transfer.

Originally, our plan was to transfer last month. 5 days after the retrieval. Unfortunately, due to my risk of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, we weren't able to do that. The safest option was to freeze our embryos, all 16 of them.

Fast forward to today... The day that felt like it would never come. The day that has been on my mind for so long.

I went to work this morning, which was perfect, because if I had taken the day off I would have been a nut job by the time my appointment rolled around.

My appointment was at 12:45 p.m. so at 11:45 I had to start drinking water. I also was not allowed to go to the bathroom from that point on. When they do the procedure, they run a simultaneous ultrasound on your stomach that helps them make sure they are in the right place. A full bladder helps them to identify your uterus and the positioning of the catheter.

That part was probably the most uncomfortable part of the entire procedure. That feeling like you need to pee, so much so that you feel like if you jumped you would wet yourself... that’s how I felt.

Once they got me checked in, I changed into my gown and lovely hair net...

Dr. Loy came in to talk to us about the procedure. We ran through the risks and our options. We talked about the embryos - how they took two out to thaw, that both made it through the thaw beautifully. Then he ran over the risks of putting both back in - 40% chance of twins, potential for high risk pregnancy, early delivery, increased risk of c-section, etc. He is obligated to run down all the risks with us and I think he could tell we were doing our best to soak it all in. He then looked at us and said, "All of that being said, I have IVF twins at home - they are perfect and I wouldn't do a thing differently." We looked at each other once more, and still felt confident in our decision to put two embryos back.

At the end of the day, I am not in control. The doctor isn't. Mike isn't. The embryos aren't. God is. If He wants us to have twins, twins we will have. If He wants us to have one, one we will have. Our hearts will be just as full either way!

We signed the papers confirming our decision and he handed us this...

Our first picture of our babies... Meet baby a and baby b :) They are moving through the early stages of development and are now safely back where they belong. Hopefully, they implant and continue to grow. This picture was the first of my breath being taken away today. I was sure this was the most amazing thing I had seen, but I was wrong.

After that the nurse came in and told me to take the vicodin rx they had given me. Then they led me back to the procedure room. The nurses got me set up and then the lab tech came in to confirm who I was and that we would be putting two embryos in. Dr. Loy then came in a started the process. It wasn't that different from an ob exam as far as pain.

The most amazing part was that I got to watch it all happen. They would stop and explain to me in detail what I was seeing. They identified the catheter on the ultrasound and then he told me to watch for what would look for the firework show. :) He told me "here we go" and just then I saw two blips of white fly out of the catheter. Those were our babies! Of course, by this point, tears were streaming down my face.

He finished up and told me to just relax and that the nurses would take care of me. He said everything went perfectly and that judging by the quality of our embryos and how the transfer went he feels great about our chances. I then said "It's all up to God at this point" and I got a collective "Amen" from everyone in the room.

After that they wheeled me back to the waiting area and told me just to lay for a little while. Mike came back and said he got to watch it on a screen in his waiting area.

I wish I could put into words how amazing the experience was. I know I can't, but I can tell you how lucky I feel to be where we are.

I also want to thank all of my family and friends who reached out to us today. We recieved a serious outpouring of love and support and it was such a boost of confidence for me. I know I have a whole group of people cheering us on. Thank you so so much.

I'm sure, when the newness of all of this settles down some I will be able to talk more about how I felt. How much I could feel God's presence in that room. For now I can only tell you that I am simply overwhelmed.

The next two weeks are going to feel like 2 decades I'm sure. I will pray everyday for a wonderful outcome to this wonderful journey. I appreciate your prayers too!

Catching up and moving on...

Hello PBP readers! It feels like it's been so long since I've had anything to write about.. maybe because the days go by really slowly when you're getting needles plunged in your arse. :)

Before I get carried away with today's update - let me fill you in on where we've been. My last post was 11 days ago. Back when my little world was innocent to the pain of having your husband drive a 2.5 inch needle into your butt muscle.

As anyone who has read this blog previously would know, I'm not a fan of needles. That being said, I like to consider myself an expert, at this point, in taking them in my stomach. It didn't start out that way, but seeing as how I am currently on day 26 of them, I'm now a champ at it. I don't even flinch anymore. Some days, I swear I've lost feeling in my stomach.

Any who, as I mentioned in the last post, I was going to have to start taking delestrogen shots in my back side every 3 days. I knew it would suck at first, and I really tried my best not to panic.

Tried being the key word.

I panicked. Like a full on, toddler melt-down. It didn't help that I was lying face down and actually kicking my legs while sobbing crying and repeating how unfair it was. I was 4 years old in that moment. Thank God my husband remained an adult.

I won't lie, it did (and still does) suck. That needle is huge. I'm sure there are much bigger but in comparison to what we've used in the past, this one looks like the kind you inject marinade into a turkey with. On top of that, the medicine is in oil, so you have to do the injection very s-l-o-w-l-y.

Here's how the process goes... (FYI- to be truthful, this is the process from our third time - as I mentioned before the first one didn't go nearly this graceful)

I ice the upper outer quadrant of my butt cheek for about 10-20 minutes. I'm pretty sure this is all in my head, but I've convinced myself that it would hurt more if I didn't.
Once it's numb(ish) I wipe down the area with a alcohol wipe and lay down gripping the pillow like my life depends on it.
My sweet husband than has to pull the skin taught and shove that thing in, all 2.5 inches, with some force. It stings and all I can do is tell myself to keep breathing.
He then has to pull back, just a bit, on the syringe to make sure there is no blood. As long as there isn't, and thank God there hasn't been, he can slowly start pushing the syringe plunger down, administering the medicine.
This process, once the needle is in, takes about 12 seconds.
Longest twelve seconds of my life.

All that being said, it is getting easier each time. My anxiety about it is dropping and I'm doing a better job of being a big girl. Mike is getting much better at it too. I know it sucks for him to have to do this to me, but he never let's me see that. He remains calm and strong even when I am a total disaster. Always reminding me of how worth it all of this will be one day. :)

So 24 stomach shots, 3 butt shots and 10 days of antibiotics later - I headed to the doctor's office today to see if we were progressing, like we should, toward out FET (frozen embryo transfer).

I was under the assumption it would be blood work, and ultrasound and then a nurse would call me this afternoon with results. This is the normal routine. I go back to work and neurotically check my phone to see if they've called yet...

Today was a little different. They did the blood work first, and asked me to go back to the waiting room. Normally the ultrasound girl comes to get me, but this time it was a nurse. She informed me that one of my Doctors, Dr. Loy, would be doing my ultrasound today. This is always nice, because you get a better idea of how things look right then, rather then waiting for him to review your ultrasound.

I like Dr. Loy a lot so I was glad it was him today. He came in, did the ultrasound, and informed me that everything looked wonderful! He even gave me a print of the ultrasound, but between you and me it wasn't very exciting so I won't share it. He then told me to meet them (he and the nurse) back out at the nurses station.

When I got out there, the nurse explained that everything looked even better than expected. Originally they told me my transfer date would be somewhere between the 16th and 18th of September. 16th being best case scenario. After my ultrasound and seeing my progression, Dr. Loy said the 16th it is! I am really happy about this! In his opinion, things couldn't look any better and he sees no reason to wait past then.

So, here's our new plan of action:
September 11th will be my last lupron shot! Woop Woop! That night we will begin progesterone injections (another butt shot). Heck, this one gets a Woop Woop too, because it means we are SO CLOSE.
That rolls on through the 14th, when I start 2 more medications (just pills) Keflex and Medrol...
This continues on up to the 16th - OUR TRANSFER DAY!!!!!

Our transfer will be at 12:45pm NEXT FLIPPING TUESDAY! They told me it was very similar to an IUI, except that I have to do this one with a full bladder. I have heard this is the hard part, and I am so bad at holding it. Anyway, they will do the transfer, then I will head home for the day to rest. From there, life can return to normal - sort of - until we take a pregnancy test at the end of September.

Funny enough, the nurse did give me a paper that said for 5 days post transfer I am restricted from activities like heavy lifting, vacuuming, grocery shopping, carrying laundry baskets, etc. I had her write in some extras like cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, so on and so on. Mike should love that.

Alright, so here's what I know... We still have a long road ahead. This process is not fail proof - our odds are good, but not 100%. Even if we get pregnant, we aren't guaranteed, that in 9 months, we will be taking our baby home. We have a long way to go. A long way, that usually people don't choose to share with everyone they know as well as some strangers. I've gotten a lot of opinions thrown my way about our decision to share our journey so openly. Mostly good, some bad - and that's ok. Not everyone will agree with the choices we make. That being said, let me explain why I feel it is important, crucial even, to share my story in real time.

My God is bigger and more steadfast than any doctor, procedure, medical statistic, etc that you can throw at me. Don't tell me what my chances are, don't tell me to brace myself for the worst. My faith is bigger than my fears. Yes of course we will be crushed if it doesn't work. I will cry and beg for God to heal the hurt in my heart... the awesome thing is, I know He will.

He has put it on my heart to take this one day at a time, and to share those days with anyone that wants to listen. I will do that to my best ability, in my attempt to honor Him the whole way. From the moment that embryo baby was created it is alive. I will cherish every minute that I have and pray that God chooses this to be our time. That He will hold on to us with his sovereign hand and help that baby or babies grow and grow. If He takes our baby away, I will cling to my faith, knowing that His will is perfect even when I can't see it as such.

My PBP followers are amazing. Your messages of support, your prayers, have blessed me more than you know and they help keep me going. This next month is going to be amazing and I can't wait to share it with you. I hope we get to celebrate together very very soon!

Ready for take off...

So I just got a pretty awesome call from the nurse!

My re-check ultrasound showed them just what they wanted to see. My uterine lining has thinned out and we are ready to move forward! After 10 days of delays this news was much appreciated.

What this means is we are one major step closer to our frozen embryo transfer! It also means we will start a whole host of new medicines.

For my fellow infertiles here is my protocol:
Beginning Sunday the 31st I will reduce my daily lupron injection from 10 units to 5 units. We will also begin delestrogen injections every 3 days. The first injection with be 0.2ml and then we will move to 0.4ml from there. Those go in the upper outer quadrant of my butt cheek. :( ouch. Mike and I will also both begin antibiotics on Sunday. This is just to insure that we don't have any potential bacterial infections that could pass between us.

Tuesday, September 9th we head back to the doctor's office for a check-up on how things are going. This will be a big appointment. Nothing is "set" until we get through that appointment. They will do an ultrasound and blood work to determine that things are progressing like they should. If all is well, we could potentially be transferring our eggs TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 16TH!!!!!! At that point I will be considering myself P.U.P.O. (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). Also, technically at that point (if all takes) I would be about 2 weeks pregnant since start of pregnancy is counted from the first day of your last cycle.

We are so close I can taste it! We are praying that October will be a month full of excitement, and don't worry I'm already dreaming of some form of pumpkin involved announcement.

On the flip side, if this doesn't go the way we want I will do my best to keep spirits high and move on to the next month. I feel so incredibly blessed that we are where we are in this. There are 16 frozen embryos and I have all the faith in the world that at least one of them will be in my arms one day.

Our journey to baby #2 has been long and exhausting. We aren't there yet, but I feel a little like Dorthy when she steps out of the forest. If  we can just get through the poppy field we'll be at Oz! :) Lucky for us, the man behind the curtain isn't just a man. God is holding our hand this whole way. He never falters or fails. Even when I am weak, He is strong and steady. My flesh may fail, but He never will. That's all I need!

Back to the doctor...

Today was supposed to be my bounce back from my medicine screw up last week (see previous post). I know I didn't go into much detail so I will explain what I did a little more...

Let me start off with my excuse! ha! Things have been crazy in my life lately. I feel like my world is spinning at 90 miles per second and sometimes holding on is the best I can do.

Alright, now that we understand, I'll move on. Jake (7) started the 2nd grade last week! We love his teacher, so far, and are really excited for the school year. That being said The week leading up to and the week of school were hectic. Between clothes, supplies, forms to complete, etc. I was a mess. Somehow in all of that I lost my FET protocol. [FET Protocol: a paper that details what medicines I take each day.]

As soon as I realized it was gone, I called the doctor's office to get another copy. When I did, the nurse told me that I was to come in that next Thursday and that nothing changed between then and my appointment, so they would just give me a new copy Thursday. I thought that was wrong, but I didn't say anything (a minus to being non-confrontational).

Thursday came and I headed to the doctor. Without getting too wordy, basically, I was supposed to stop taking bc pills 5 days prior to my Thursday appointment. This would put me on about cycle day 2. I was still on them. I didn't have the paper that told me when to stop and the nurse said I was to keep going with my medicines. UGH. Long story short, it was a total waste of time and I had to reschedule for Today, Tuesday.

Fast forward to today's appointment. This appointment was supposed to be a check to make sure I was ready to move forward towards our FET. I am currently take 10 units of Lurpon (shot in my stomach) every morning and have been OFF of bc pills for 5 days, putting me on cycle day 2. If all went well today, they would reduce me to 5 units of Lupron and add an estrogen shot every 3 days (the dreaded butt shot). This would also allow us to schedule a tentative transfer date...

I can't tell you how much I need to hear that date. I am so desperately in need of a mental push and that date would be the first sign of light at the end of this tunnel. I understand it may not work and we may have to start all over again, but I can't put my focus on that. There's no drive or determination in believing it won't work.

Well, the nurse just called. She said my blood work looked great. My levels are right where they should be. Estrogen is low and ready to go. However... (there's always a however) my ultrasound showed that my uterine lining (aka the yolk) is too thick right now. My body isn't shedding it quite like they would have hoped. :(

So now, it's another few days of my 10 units of lupron and another ultrasound on Friday morning. Hopefully, by then, the lining will be nice and thin and we can move along.

I need to ask for your prayers. Over all I have just felt sort of defeated lately. I don't want to give up, but I am finding it hard to be joyful in this part. If you could, please pray for an encouraged heart. I won't ask you to pray for a thin uterine lining (or I will) but if you could just pray that we remain patient, and that my body cooperates.

It's crazy. The range of emotions you go through during infertility treatments is down right insane. Sometimes I feel like a super woman and sometimes I feel defeated. Thanks hormones. I just want to feel our baby(ies) kicking inside of me. I long for pregnancy symptoms. I'd give anything to be making it through morning sickness right now. I'd love to feel the pressure as my body prepares for labor. I want to be scheduling an ultrasound to see the sex of our baby(ies). I want to put away the needles and pick up the peanut butter. I'm ready for less than stellar maternity clothes and waddling like a penguin. My heart aches for the day when I feel that first contraction. I'm ready.

Shamefully, my heart is jealous of all the women I know that are in various stages of this. Not the hateful type of jealousy, but I won't lie and tell you I'm not. When I hear a newborn cry my eyes fill with tears. I want it. I want it so, so badly. Sometimes, those very emotions are the ones that fuel me to keep on going.

Sometimes you just want to scream...

Today looks like a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad day. At least that's how it started.

This morning was supposed to be my happy doctor's appointment. I was supposed to have an ultrasound and blood work, then this afternoon (if all went well) they would be calling me to tell me to start changing medications and preparing for transfer. Well none of that happened today. Ugh.

Let me back up a minute. About a week ago I lost my protocol paper (my fault). This is the paper that details what medicines I need to take on what days. It also had today's appointment on it. When I realized I lost it, I called the doctor's office and told them I lost the paper so I just wanted to check and make sure that nothing changed with my medicines prior to my 8:30 appointment on the 21st. They confirmed that I was good and that they would see me on the 21st. (FYI I am on a lupron shot and birth control)

Fast forward to today. I get to the doctor, and at check in, the front desk girl says "Ok, the balance due on your account is $900.00." I think my mouth hit the floor. After a ton of questions, we discovered that my insurance was refusing to pay anything towards having my eggs frozen. Great. Nine Hundred Dollars. I'm just supposed to whip out my check book and write them a check. I explained to the girl that when I worked with their offices financial person that she told me I would be paying for storage ($180 every quarter) as well as co-pays ($40 each visit) which was fine, but that I didn't just have $900 to give them. She told me I could call and speak to finance to set up a payment plan, which I will do, but that was blow number 1 today.

When I finally got called back to the ultrasound room the nurse looked at me and said, "OK, what day did you start your period?" - "Uhm, I haven't - I'm on the birth control you guys perscribed me..."
Guess what? I was supposed to stop birth control 4 days ago in hope that today would be cycle day 2 or 3. Would have been great if the nurse told me that when I called to see if any of my meds were supposed to change prior to my appointment. She quickly left the room and a few minutes later my doctor's nurse came in. Basically, I screwed up. Now I have 5 more days of shots, 5 days of delay, 5 days of wasted time, effort, needles, drugs, money.

I was/am so frustrated with myself I just broke down and started sobbing. I know 5 days doesn't seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I know it's going to work out ok. I know that God provides, and that despite my guilt, He will find the means to our new giant bill. I know all of this and in a few hours I will probably calm down, but right now I just want to scream.

The guilt, the stress, the pain, all of the ugly parts of this rear it's head just when I begin to think I have it all under control. A reminder that control shouldn't be what I'm after in the first place. I goofed and lost an important paper. It's ultimately my problem that is now causing me a 5 day delay. At a time in our lives when money is extremely tight a $900 bill feels like a burden I can't bare. All of this makes me feel frantic, stressed and out of control.

Father, this is when I need you. I am reminded that I can't fix everything, do everything, be everything. I have to let go and let You take over.

A case of the Mondays..

Happy Monday! If you're like me, Monday's aren't your favorite day of the week. For whatever reason, I wake up so sleepy and grumpy on Monday's. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, I allow this to set the tone of the day.

We all have things that set us off. Silly, insignificant things that can sneak up on us and steal the joy right out of our day. That is what my wake-up this morning did to me. I was the middle-schooler, fighting the wake-up. Pulling the covers back on and praying that my next peek at the alarm clock would reveal that I read it wrong previously. Guess what... it wasn't wrong. It was time to get up and get the day going.

My sweet boy is spending his last week of summer break at soccer camp this week and I had an 8:15am doctor's appointment, so our morning was quick and rushed. Getting dressed, packing lunch, searching for shin guards, brushing teeth, whew! I need a nap already. After we got out of the house and on our way it didn't improve much. Traffic was obnoxious and there is just never enough time. I got him to camp and me to the doctor with 3 minutes to spare. Victory! Sweet Victory!

The appointment this morning was to get our "green light" to proceed with our FET (frozen embryo transfer) this month. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, a few days ago, heck, even Sunday, I would have told you how excited I am to get this process underway. But of course, Monday stole my joy and I am not feeling very encouraged.

That being said, I know it's just a bad mood. Nothing more, nothing less. I will get over it, and probably by tonight, I will be back to me. Maybe it's the birth control, maybe it's the upcoming 20+ days of needles, maybe it was the $330 check I had to write for frozen embryo storage...who knows... I just wasn't my normal "excited to be here self" at the doctor's office this morning. That being said, my baseline ultrasound went "perfect" - everything looks great and I am full steam ahead towards our FET. That should have put a smile on my face right? Meh.

Tomorrow morning between 6-8AM we begin daily stomach shots again. This time a drug called Lupron. It's a small dose and won't be awful, but I can't tell you how much I look forward to the day when I can throw all those dang needles AWAY. This will be every morning for the next 10 days, after that we go back to the doctor for blood work and an ultrasound. They will be making sure my uterus looks ready for baby and then we begin MORE shots. At that point, if all is well, we start adding an estrogen shot every 3 days. That one has to go in the muscle in my butt. New shot + new location = new anxiety. I have heard the butt shots are the worst part of all of this and I am not looking forward to it. A few days after that we add a daily progesterone shot (also in my arse). The best news yet?!.... If I am lucky enough for our FET to work and we are pregnant... these shots continue throughout the FIRST TRIMESTER! All 3 months... well 2.5 months really.

Did you hear that door slam? That was my last bit of joy today... leaving.

I know I know, perk up buttercup. You're getting there! Not much longer now! It's all worth it!

Trust me, I will get there, but today I want to pout. No one on earth can turn my frown upside down today. Unless, of course, you send me a big bouquet of flowers or chocolate covered strawberries, that would surely make me smile. :)

Yet, just like the Grinch, I feel a small twinge in my heart. It's starting to grow, some how some way a little bit of sunshine is sneaking in. How is that? God is how. Even when I want to roll in my own darkness, He doesn't let me. He reminds me of how great my life is. How many wonderful things He has placed before me. Jake was so sweet to me this morning, even when I was a little cold. A friend of mine took time out of her beach vacation to uplift me without even knowing she was doing it. My husband sent me a simple text that reminded me how invested he is in all of this. I have a lot to be joyful about, even when I don't want to admit it. I get to move forward in infertility treatments. My scan today was "perfect" and we are that much closer to transferring 2 of our 16, SIXTEEN, one-six, beautiful embryos.

While I might want to hide under the covers today, there is a smile on my heart. I have a lot to be joyful about.