Back to the doctor...

Today was supposed to be my bounce back from my medicine screw up last week (see previous post). I know I didn't go into much detail so I will explain what I did a little more...

Let me start off with my excuse! ha! Things have been crazy in my life lately. I feel like my world is spinning at 90 miles per second and sometimes holding on is the best I can do.

Alright, now that we understand, I'll move on. Jake (7) started the 2nd grade last week! We love his teacher, so far, and are really excited for the school year. That being said The week leading up to and the week of school were hectic. Between clothes, supplies, forms to complete, etc. I was a mess. Somehow in all of that I lost my FET protocol. [FET Protocol: a paper that details what medicines I take each day.]

As soon as I realized it was gone, I called the doctor's office to get another copy. When I did, the nurse told me that I was to come in that next Thursday and that nothing changed between then and my appointment, so they would just give me a new copy Thursday. I thought that was wrong, but I didn't say anything (a minus to being non-confrontational).

Thursday came and I headed to the doctor. Without getting too wordy, basically, I was supposed to stop taking bc pills 5 days prior to my Thursday appointment. This would put me on about cycle day 2. I was still on them. I didn't have the paper that told me when to stop and the nurse said I was to keep going with my medicines. UGH. Long story short, it was a total waste of time and I had to reschedule for Today, Tuesday.

Fast forward to today's appointment. This appointment was supposed to be a check to make sure I was ready to move forward towards our FET. I am currently take 10 units of Lurpon (shot in my stomach) every morning and have been OFF of bc pills for 5 days, putting me on cycle day 2. If all went well today, they would reduce me to 5 units of Lupron and add an estrogen shot every 3 days (the dreaded butt shot). This would also allow us to schedule a tentative transfer date...

I can't tell you how much I need to hear that date. I am so desperately in need of a mental push and that date would be the first sign of light at the end of this tunnel. I understand it may not work and we may have to start all over again, but I can't put my focus on that. There's no drive or determination in believing it won't work.

Well, the nurse just called. She said my blood work looked great. My levels are right where they should be. Estrogen is low and ready to go. However... (there's always a however) my ultrasound showed that my uterine lining (aka the yolk) is too thick right now. My body isn't shedding it quite like they would have hoped. :(

So now, it's another few days of my 10 units of lupron and another ultrasound on Friday morning. Hopefully, by then, the lining will be nice and thin and we can move along.

I need to ask for your prayers. Over all I have just felt sort of defeated lately. I don't want to give up, but I am finding it hard to be joyful in this part. If you could, please pray for an encouraged heart. I won't ask you to pray for a thin uterine lining (or I will) but if you could just pray that we remain patient, and that my body cooperates.

It's crazy. The range of emotions you go through during infertility treatments is down right insane. Sometimes I feel like a super woman and sometimes I feel defeated. Thanks hormones. I just want to feel our baby(ies) kicking inside of me. I long for pregnancy symptoms. I'd give anything to be making it through morning sickness right now. I'd love to feel the pressure as my body prepares for labor. I want to be scheduling an ultrasound to see the sex of our baby(ies). I want to put away the needles and pick up the peanut butter. I'm ready for less than stellar maternity clothes and waddling like a penguin. My heart aches for the day when I feel that first contraction. I'm ready.

Shamefully, my heart is jealous of all the women I know that are in various stages of this. Not the hateful type of jealousy, but I won't lie and tell you I'm not. When I hear a newborn cry my eyes fill with tears. I want it. I want it so, so badly. Sometimes, those very emotions are the ones that fuel me to keep on going.