FYI: an embryo is just a fertilized egg. I wish they were called something else, as I am not very fond of "embryo". It sounds so medical and cold to me. Not to mention, I feel like in some ways it diminishes the fact that those are living, developing cells. I don't know what else to call them, other than babies. I also didn't want to get too attached, as more than likely, all 20 wouldn't survive to day 5. Side note: What would we do with 20 "babies" anyway? Mike calls them tadpoles. That is probably a more accurate description, although I
Back to the point... The nurse was supposed to call us days 3-5 to let us know how our....errr...tadp, bab..ugh.. embryos were doing, but as those of you who follow on facebook know, that didn't happen. I knew we wouldn't hear anything on Tuesday, but by Thursday morning I was beginning to get very anxious. At that point I didn't know what was going on and decided to make the call.
One thing that I have learned through all of this is that in the medical world, it is very easy to become just another patient. While this isn't always wonderful, it does have it's benefits. For instance, in surgery, I don't want a doctor that is an emotional wreck. I want someone calm, cool and collected. Someone that follows the procedure and stays focused. I think this is also why we, as patients, get closer to our nurses rather than our doctors. They are the real diamond in the rough. They get emotional with you, get you tissues when you cry, call to check on you. I know it is their job, but it does make you feel loved when you get a good one! I have also learned, that if you feel like your doctor's office has forgotten about you, maybe they have. They have a lot going on, and I don't expect them to always keep my personal desires in the forefront. So when in doubt, call. Between my insurance company and our bank account, we are paying these people a lot of money, so there is no shame in calling to ask status or questions. :)
So, I called and left a voicemail the night of Day 3, then again when it became late afternoon of Day 4 and I still hadn't heard. That night, my favorite nurse (Nurse Michelle) called to give me an update. She apologized that no one had gotten to me yet, and explained that they had been in meetings all late afternoon. She also told me how awesome our embryos were doing! We had 16 that were looking good and continuing on in development. The other 4 weren't out, but they were slowing down. That was a weird moment for me. I was excited about the 16, but sad for the other 4. Part of me wanted them all to grow on, but I (hopefully) don't need 20 embryos... At that moment I just asked for God's grace to cover over me and comfort the way I was feeling, and in that moment I felt peace with letting go of the 4 that were more than likely, not going to make it to freeze. Michelle also informed me that they would be planning to freeze them by Sunday morning, and that I should get a call once that is complete.
After a weekend with friends, I got the call Sunday. All 16 had successfully frozen and were ready and waiting for transfer. They raved to me about how beautiful the embryos were and told me that I should be really excited that I have so many that are so healthy. All I could think is "How great is our God!"
They also informed me that since my cycle had already started, I would need to come in Tuesday if we wanted to do this sooner rather than later. Now, you all know how I feel about waiting, so of course I made an appointment and got there as fast as I could!
Tuesday was not my day. It wasn't awful but I just felt like it was "off" so it's no surprise that I was at the doctor's office for 3 hours. Dr. J was stuck in surgery, and because of my cycle timing, if I didn't wait for her, this month would have been a loss. I honestly looked up and just said, "Ok, Ok, I get it Lord. I have to be more patient, and you are going to show me that every chance you get, right down to the wait time in my doctor's office." At least He has a sense of humor, right?
Anyway, once I did finally get to see Dr. J, we went over our plan for my FET. (Frozen Embryo Transfer) I was to start birth control pills that night (ugh) and then in about 10 days I will begin a sub-q (small needle in the belly fat) shot each morning of Lupron. This will successfully shut down my ovaries for the month while still allowing my uterus to prepare for baby(ies)! About 4-7 days later I will go off of the birth control pills and begin taking estrogen shots in my butt muscle. This one I only have to do ever 3 days, but it will stink. They will monitor me with blood work and ultrasounds and once my uterine lining reaches a certain thickness I will begin the progesterone shots - also in the butt. :( 5 days later, we will transfer!
I can't tell you how bad my heart aches for that day. I know we have a few weeks, and thank you Lord for providing me with such a patient man, but I can't wait for it to be here. Once that day comes, I know it will be just the beginning of a very anxious 3 months. I also feel like, at least in the beginning, it won't feel real. As much as I have pushed myself, and been encouraged by others, there is a part of me deep down that felt like this would never happen for us again. I began to feel that way after our miscarriage and honestly it's never fully left. There is a much larger part of me that knows this will happen again. That God has the perfect children waiting for us, for the right time, and that all I need to do is be faithful. Well that, and continue to grit my teeth and bear the shots. ;)
The scientific odds are against us that this will work the first time. As for it working at all?, we are about 50/50. Lucky for me, I'm not a gamblin' woman - I'm a daughter of God and He doesn't need scientific odds.
I will continue to pray for peace and patience. For a steadfast love to cover us and our frozen tadpoles. For strength to put one foot in front of the other on this journey. To never loose site of the weight He placed on our hearts to have more children. I will constantly thank Him for His mercy. The gifts He has given us thus far and the ones we have yet to receive. Infertility is not a curse. It is not a reaction to something wrong I've done in life. While I certainly have done plenty to deserve it, My God doesn't work that way. He already paid for my mistakes on the cross and that is an amazing gift that I can't repay. What's even cooler - He isn't concerned with my trying to settle an unachievable debt. All He wants is my heart, and that belongs to Him already. Nothing brings me more peace than that!
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