On a mission...

Yesterday was Sunday. The day of the Lord. Church day. A day my soul aches for all week long.

This was a big Sunday for me, and my soul was hungry. As you know, we began IVF treatment this past Saturday and my anxiety has been really high. A morning of worship and learning more about God was exactly what I needed and exactly what I got.

Our pastor has been doing a series on the book of Acts, with each sermon building on the previous one. In case you aren't familiar, much of Acts details Paul traveling around, spreading the Word of God through the Gospel. In Acts, Paul is on mission.

It isn't pretty or shiny. People aren't just taking his word for it. He isn't riding into towns on a red carpet, embraced by people thirsty for the Word of God. Just the opposite actually. Paul is stoned, imprisoned, left for dead yet he continues to get back up and share the Gospel.

I can honestly say, I hope I am never stoned within an inch of my life... shoot, I'm not sure if I could even survive prison, but then again, I doubt Paul thought he could either. Paul wasn't a superhero. He didn't have any special powers. He wasn't any stronger (physically) than you and me. What Paul did have, was a calling. A purpose. A mission. He knew the task ahead of him and he ran straight for it.

I know I have mentioned before that I joined an infertility support group and that, at times, it can be a real downer. The women in that group are hurting, depressed, broken. Some of them are angry. Angry that God would do this to them. Angry that women, that shouldn't, are having babies left and right. Bitter. I feel so sorry for these women. My heart aches for them. When I see them vent their frustrations with God I instantly want to hug them. I think of these women often, I pray that God continues to work in them despite their anger.

Yesterday, a light went off. I was listening to the Pastor speak about Paul and I instantly knew... infertility is my village of angry people, ready with stones. The women in that support group, and many others struggling around the world, are those villagers. They are angry, they feel like God isn't delivering. He isn't swooping in and laying a hand on them. He isn't filling their womb with a miracle child. And I am need to be Paul. I am called to run in, face their anger and spread God's love. It is also my duty to express to them that God doesn't owe you anything. He already gave you a gift that you can never repay. We are in debt to Him. You are not entitled to your dream life. You are not owed a child, or a fancy car or big, beautiful home. Being faithful to the Lord will not guarantee an easy life. If you think it will, then you don't know Jesus.

Maybe this is my place. Maybe this is just where God needs me to be a Paul. I am not as smart as he is, I do not know the gospel like the back of my hand, but I am committed to my faith. I am willing to keep fighting. I do not look to heaven and command God to do anything for me. It's not my roll. All I can do is show Him my love and my faithfulness. I will praise Him in the beautiful parts of my life and in the dark parts. I will get back up and run back in, even when I feel like giving up is the easiest path. What I do know, is that God is using me for something bigger than my desire to grow my family. I may never get pregnant again, and while I pray that I do, if I don't I will continue on in this journey. I just hope that God gives me the strength to be like Paul. Not perfect, not a superhero, just a child of God - determined to keep moving forward. Thankful for my life and the gifts He has given me. Focused on my mission.