The Year of The Baby...

First things first - forgive me, this post is probably going to drag out and be a little lengthy. I have had a lot on my mind these last two days in regards to fertility and since this blog is my outlet, there is no better place. Secondly, I probably won't take the time to check this post for typos, so read with patience...

2014 is certainly shaping up to be the year of the baby! I can't tell you how many friends of mine are just due, or announcing a future addition. I am really hoping a little of that good luck rubs off on us this year. It is so exciting to hear of a new life, and I love all of the creative ways people announce their pregnancies. I wish I could promise you some grand plan I have worked up when we find out, but I know I will be so bursting at the seams, that their won't be time for a clever announcement. My plan, honestly, is to shout it from the roof tops! I know a lot of people have felt a little awkward about telling me their baby news. I get it. They don't know what to say and they don't want to feel like they are "rubbing it in". Am I jealous? Of course I am. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't. It doesn't make me resentful. Their are no negative feelings towards my fertility blessed friends. Of course I want that to be me, of course I ache for the day I hear a healthy heartbeat or see the outline of my sweet babes face on an ultrasound... After every thing I have been through, I would NEVER wish that anyone have issues getting pregnant. It doesn't mean I don't feel pain when I hear of a pregnancy, it just means that it doesn't have anything to do with the other person. That being said, there is a lot of 2014 left, and God-willing, I pray my time will come!

Next topic -- One of the hardest struggles of infertility, and especially 2nd child infertility, is feeling like you've let down the ones you love. Even though I know it's out of my hands, it doesn't change the fact that I have a lot of guilt about my inability to become pregnant. First and foremost - my husband. In the begining, us trying for baby #2 was more focused on my desire. Since Jake was about 2 I wanted another child. We both grew up with siblings (Mike 2, me 3) and I knew I wanted that for Jake. Mike wanted more children as well, but was concerned more so about our ability to provide, etc. After my surgery (almost 5 years ago) we started playing around with the idea, becoming more comfortable with the timing and where we were in life. About a year later is when we began "trying". Honestly, I didn't think much of it and just assumed we would get pregnant right away. Obviously that didn't happen, and as time has gone on, I have seen Mike's desire for another baby grow. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I never wanted to be a wife that forces children on her husband, or even that he agrees because it makes me happy. I wanted it to be something we both really wanted. Mike is the greatest father I have ever known. He is so patient and loving, a wonderful role model and an excellent partner when it comes to discipline. I can't wait to see him with our 2nd baby in his arms. There have been many nights where I have cried myself to sleep over my inability to not only fufill my wants, but his as well. He constantly reminds me that this is our struggle, not just mine and that he is right by my side the whole way. I know that. I know he has my back. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am letting him down.

Secondly - Jake. Anyone that knows Jake, knows he loves being with other kids. He has wanted a sibling for a while now and each year of his life, he has gotten more and more vocal about that. I know some of my friends think we are crazy with Jake and his sports schedule, but for me, what they don't see, is that Jake's teammates are the closest things he has to brothers. He has been playing soccer with this group of boys for a few seasons now, and he loves those boys. He talks about them all the time. Every where we go it's "Mom so-and-so would love this" or "can I take so-and-so with us". They get into arguments with eachother - they go through spats, just like siblings do, but at the end of the day, those boys (and their siblings) feel like family to him. I can't put into words what that means to me. He is always asking if they can come over, or if he can over to their houses, and I have a hard time telling him no. Not because I want to have a free afternoon, but because I know what it means to him. When they all go home, they have siblings, when Jake goes home, he's stuck with us. Granted we are super cool, like as cool as it gets... but we aren't 7 and 8. In Jake's eyes, we're old people. This past weekend I felt like I barely saw him. Friday he was out of school for the begining of spring break and he spent the day at a soccer mate's house. They ran the neighborhood and he spent the day playing with a pack of kids... Saturday morning, he had a game and afterwards got invited to go over to another soccer mate's house. I should have made him go home and take a nap, but he so badly wanted to go and I let him... That afternoon, all of the soccer team and our families got together for an afternoon cook-out/day in the park. The boys ran around wild, we played games, we ate, he had a blast just running with his buddies. That night, another soccer family invited him for a sleep over.. at first I said no. Selfishly I missed him, and I knew he had to be exhausted, but again he begged so we caved. Pick your battles, right? Sunday, I planned to go get him in the morning, but the family called and asked if he could spend the day with them at a local zoo that has an adventure course... and... you guessed it, I caved. We picked him up at 7:30 last night and he was exhausted from his weekend of fun. The whole way home he talked and talked about how much fun he had. We got him home, bathed and ready for bed. As Mike was tucking him in, he was crying a little and told Mike how much he wants a brother...
I had to pause just now, because I always start to tear up. I know not everyone understands, but for Jake it's so much more than just hanging out with friends. Jake feels like those boys are his brothers. When he leaves them to come home, reality sets in and he gets sad. He sees that they all have siblings and they all have eachother. I know one day he will have siblings too, and I am sure there will be times where he wishes they weren't there, but for now it's something he wants, and I haven't been able to give him. I have a lot of guilt about that. I can't put into words how thankful I am for the families that have become dear friends on our soccer team. The families don't realize what it means to us when Jake gets to spend a night out or a day with their children. It really has been such a blessing to us and to him, and I just hope they know how appreciative I am.
I know I shouldn't harbor guilt about my fertiltiy issues. I know I am currently doing everything I can to increase our chances, and that is all I can do. It doesn't take the guilt away though. So much of why I write this is for people going through something similar, to know they aren't alone. As well as, for those who don't know what it's like to get an honest, emotional sense of what infertility feels like. It also helps me to get it out and let go of how I feel. The stress, the sadness, the guilt - those are the hard parts of this - but the patience, the hope, the faith, those are the parts of this that have helped me grow to a better wife, mom, friend, human. There are nights I cry, there are times I want to give up, but they are brief. I am so so lucky to have the support system I do and overall I am happy. :)