A New Month...

So I briefly posted this weekend from my blog app and figured I would do a follow up.

Last month I did a round of Letrozole (an oral medication intended to assist in follicle production) along with a
"trigger" shot of HSG (an injectable hormone used to trigger your body to release a follicle = manual ovulation) and we went from there. Well, Saturday morning I woke up to get ready for Jake's soccer game and felt horrible. I was nauseous, cramping, sore and achy. I knew my period was about to start at any second and sure enough, it did. Saturday was a rough day for me. I had a feeling I wasn't pregnant, but as anyone fighting infertility knows, that cycle day one feels like a battle lost every time. More so, it was one of my more painful
cycles. I felt so bad, but forced myself to get up and head for Jake's game.

The pain was coming and going so one minute I would feel fine, and the next I felt like I may faint from the pain. I was so relieved that late that afternoon I began to feel "normal" again.
Fast forward to Monday morning - cycle day 3. I took Jake to the bus stop, and while waiting, called my doctor to make my last minute appointment for my ovary check. Each month, on day 2 or 3, I have to go in for an internal ultrasound, so when I called this morning we scheduled an appointment for 10:15. In the past 6 months I have done this every single month. They are the determining factor on if I get to take my fertility meds or not, so a lot rides on them. Basically, they go in and check each ovary. The goal is to not see a whole lot. If you've read my blog before you know most of the time they see big black cysts sitting comfortably in the left ovary. When this happens, all plans go on hold and I have to wait the cyst out. This is, in some ways, harder for me to hear then starting my period. I know that sounds crazy, but being told I can't even try - a whole month, wasted - is more difficult for me then trying and not getting pregnant. I think it's because when I CAN try, I do what I'm told, we follow our instructions and then I am forced to let go. I can breathe, and know there isn't anything else I can do. When we can't try, I feel helpless, I get angry with whatever part of me causes these cysts to form, it's become a bitter pill to swallow. So, back to the appointment today, I walked into my office telling myself PMA PMA PMA (positive mental attitude) - being that it IS St. Patrick's Day, I was hoping for a little luck... and bam! My four leaf clover came in the form of two, cyst free ovaries. Ready for meds, ready for babies, ready for a new month! The nurse even said, this is your month girl. This is the first month back to back with no cysts. Maybe just MAYBE my body is finally getting back on track. So, tonight I will start the Letrozole again, like normal. I will be on that for 5 days, taking it each night. Tomorrow, Mike and I have an appointment with Dr. Jaffe. I haven't seen her in several weeks, so it will be nice to sit down and chat with her about where we are in the process. We also will be talking about the decision to move to the next step in our plan. Originally, she told me she would like us to try each phase for 3 months before moving to the next, but given my delays due to cysts, I am hoping she will be supportive of us moving on. The neat thing is, the next step still requires me to take the Letrozole first, so as soon as this month we may kick it up a notch. This entails me going on a new
drug, either Gonal-F or Follistim. Both are administered by injection, so being excited about this and wanting to move on is a big deal for me. As I've mentioned previously, I hate, no no hate isn't strong enough, I loathe needles. That being said, our desire for a baby reminds me that pain is temporary and facing your fears makes you a stronger person. If this is what is required, I am willing and able. I just hope Mike can stay patient with me as I work through my tantrums. I thank God every day for him and especially his sense of humor. Shoot, by the time this is done, I may get a tattoo. SIKE. Never. I couldn't do it. I would have to be sedated. :)
This month will require a lot from both me and Mike. If we are in your prayers, please pray for patience, strength, courage, humility, peace, and pray that Mike gets really good at shootin' me up ;) No seriously, last time there was a little stutter and I felt myself nearly faint. HA! I continue to learn so much more from all of this than just the medical side. I feel so blessed to call Mike my husband. I have learned I have some of the most caring people ever in my circle and on our side. I know that when we announce our pregnancy so many people will be celebrating with us and that brings me so much joy. Even then, my fight against infertility won't end.
It is a badge I will wear for the rest of my life, something I will use to connect with people that I may not have otherwise. I refuse to be ashamed of it, or to feel less because of it. Even when my desire to have babies has been filled, I hope I am able to continue reaching women that are still fighting, or just beginning to. Pregnancy is a miracle, I feel so honored to have done it once and I pray every day I get to do it again. This time, I will relish in every bit of it. I won't take one minute for granted