The Story of my Second Pregnancy...

I knew when I started this blog that, at some point, it would be time to share my 2nd pregnancy story. Several months ago - before I started going to my fertility specialist - I was on a drug called Clomid. A drug perscribed to me by my OBGYN to help me ovulate. I had been on it for a long time without much result and I wasn't very optomistic that "it" would happen. I started feeling like I was going to start my period, I was tired, emmotional, and I felt achey, almost like I was getting sick. I had taken a sick day from work, and layed in bed for most of the morning. I kept thinking my period would start and I would have to force myself out of the monthly depression. It got to be the afternoon and still no period, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. When you are trying to concieve, pregnancy test are both your best friend and your worst enemy. Unwrapping that test, you are full of so much hope. I would try to supress it, and tell myself "I'm sure it will be negative", but deep down, I wanted that + sign so badly. This particular time, I took the test, sat it on the counter, and climbed back into bed. About 10 minutes later it dawned on me that I hadn't checked it yet, so I slowly walked over, preparring to chunk it in the trash, and climb back into bed. This test was one where 1 line means negative 2 lines mean positive. When I looked I saw one clear line and I started to cry. Sometimes I swear I have starred at those test, trying to convince myself if I stare long enough a second line will appear. Sooo when I noticed a faint second line I thought I was loosing it. I started shaking, tears were streaming. I kept wiping my eyes and trying to focus my eyes on that line. It was there, no doubt. It was faint, but it was there. I called Mike and he knew I was emmotional as soon as I said hello. I told him and we had a few minutes of pure joy. I kept telling him I couldnt believe it, it couldn't be real. We decided I would call my doctor right away. I did, and they told me to test again in the morning - since I was worried that my line was faint. I did test again that next morning and this time there was no mistaking that 2nd line. We were SO happy. I called the doctor and made my appointment. That week was great. I started my baby journal - because I love to write, I decided when I got pregnant I would write a journal to my unborn baby to keep track of it all. I got through the week, the weekend, I told the people that are close to us, and was set to go hear my babies heartbeat. I thought I was about 5-6 weeks pregnant at the time. That next Monday, I picked Jake up from school and we headed to Publix for our weekly grocery trip. Mike was meeting us there. We walked in, and I told Jake to wait with the cart while I ran to the bathroom, I knew Mike was walking in so I told Jake to look out for Dad. I went into the bathroom, sat down and (sorry to be graphic) noticed the blood. There was a lot of it. I knew right then what was happening. I knew I was miscarrying. I panicked, got my stuff together, ran out of the bathroom, and there were my boys. Mike saw my face and new something was wrong. I told him I needed to leave now. We walked out, put Jake in the car, and I broke down. Right there in the publix parking lot. Mike hugged me, kept calm, and told me to call my doctor. I did, and was quickly speaking to the on call doctor. She told me to go home, and relax. She said it wasn't neccessarily a miscarriage, but in my heart I knew it was. I bled the first 5 months with Jake, but this was different. All of a sudden my week and a half of absolute bliss came crashing down. I went to sleep at about 6:30 and woke up the next morning, praying it was a bad dream. It wasn't. The doctors office called and asked me to come in for an appointment, so I did. They did an exam, bloodwork, and confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. I went home and spent a good three days not getting out of bed. It wasn't fair to Mike and Jake,but they loved me through it, and it made me appreciate them even more. I haven't been the best through all of this, but my boys don't stop loving me. I learned a lot through my miscarriage. I continue to learn from it. People would say things to me, or I would read things about women not telling anyone until they are 3 months pregnant. I could never do that. I don't regret telling my family and friends, if I hadn't, my miscarriage would have felt that much more lonely. But it wasn't lonely, my weeks of pregnancy were full, my miscarriage was full, I wasn't alone in any of it, and even when I wanted to sink into my lonely place, the people that loved me wouldn't allow it. So, long story short, if I got pregnant tomorrow, it wouldn't be a secret. I am not fearful of miscarriage. I trust in God's plan, and I know He knows why that wasn't our time. That being said, I won't forget it, my heart ache was real and painful, but that stretching of my heart only made more room for love. My second pregnancy didn't end how I had hoped, but none-the-less it was a second pregnancy, for me it was a direct response from God. It will happen, but only when it's right. Post surgery, I believe that even more. The results of my surgery, the risks my body would have been in had I carried a baby full term, prior to them cleaning up the scar tissue... it's amazing. I will forever be greatful for my 6 weeks of pregnancy.