It's been a while...

It's felt so long since I last logged in and wrote an update. Today it took me 3 tries to remember my log-in information!

I think, for a while, there wasn't much going on so I didn't have much to share. Not to mention my energy levels have been so low and I haven't been able to eat much. I can't remember the last time I really went out and enjoyed time with friends or went out to dinner and actually ate it. :( I miss that.

This past weekend I started to feel a little better. Which is good, because between Jake and Mike's sports schedules, Jake's social life (10 times more exciting than mine) and everything we need to get done, I needed to get it together.

Jake had a sleep over Saturday night so Mike and I went out for a date. It consisted of a trip to the outlets and dinner. Anyone that knows me knows I can spend hours at the outlet mall, but after a walk through an over-crowded Nike and Adidas I could feel myself tanking. We left there and headed to dinner where I nearly fell asleep on the table.

I think I was asleep before we even made it home.. poor Mike. I haven't been much fun these last few weeks. Luckily for me he's been pretty patient.

Sunday morning, I woke up and headed straight to the bathroom - just like every morning and 3-4 times during the night - only this time there was blood.

Of course my first reaction was to freak a little. It had been so long (over a month) since a bleed that I had put it out of my mind and assumed it was over. I didn't have any pain and it seemed very similar to the last bleed so I decided to do what they told me in the past. Bed rest, pelvic rest, drink lots of water.

Monday was my scheduled first appointment with my OB - so after speaking with a nurse at my reproductive doctor's office - we decided to just rest and wait for Monday.

The appointment Monday went well. It took almost 3 hours, but that was partially because it was my first appointment - lots of paperwork, seeing different people from billing, to nurses, to lab work to the doctor. When I finally got to see the doctor we went over any questions I had. I told her about the bleed which she assured me that everything was fine. She said she sees it more common than not on twin pregnancies. She also measured me and said I am sitting right at about 13 to 14 weeks so she thought we would be able to pick up the heartbeats on the Doppler. Obviously, I was excited about that because anytime I can hear their sweet hearts all my worries (temporarily) wash away. She was able to find them both! Baby A at 166 Baby B at 157! There is no sweeter sound - amen!

After that, I had to give what felt like a gallon of blood. I got a little dizzy, so they had me sit there for about 15 minutes before allowing me to go home. The doctor told me she wanted me off of my feet for the remainder of the day, which was easy for me because I was exhausted.

So far so good! I am down almost 9 pounds which they aren't thrilled about. She said she would let it slide for now since you put on weight with IVF and because she knows I'm trying to eat as much as possible. She said that when I am feeling better she wants to see that made up pretty quickly, and assured me that she doesn't think it will be a problem. Up until I got to hear the heartbeats it had been a pretty anxious 24 hours. I will go back in 2 weeks for an ultrasound and I can't wait to see how much they have changed in a months time.

Something new everyday...

I think Mike is over his initial shock of it being twins. Of course he knew it was a possibility, but when you've been on this journey as long as we have you begin to doubt it will ever happen, much less twice over! He has always been more optimistic than I have been, but part of me always wondered if that was just for my benefit.

Anyway, this week the idea of twins has really started to sink in for us. There is a lot to be done before they arrive and we've only just begun! We are working on trying to get our budget in place, how the bedrooms will need to be rearranged, start thinking about baby registries, focusing on getting our IVF debt paid down, the list goes on and on.

I have to just keep telling myself "One thing at at time". I'll tell ya though, 6 months doesn't seem so far away. Yikes!

Aside from our prepping, I have been getting stronger bouts of nausea. It's coming in waves now, and nothing sounds appealing to eat. I am also still so tired. By about 8 p.m. I can barely keep my eyes open. Then, like clock work I am waking around 4 and my mind starts racing.

I had another bleed over the weekend. It was just one quick rush and then it was done. It's scary, but I know I just have to keep on keeping on. The doctor told me not to be concerned unless I am in pain or I see heavy clotting. Praise God, it hasn't been anything like that. The rough part is you kind of feel like a ticking time bomb. When will the next bleed happen? Will there be another one? Will that one be scary? When will this be done? ahhhh.

Lately I just keep my focus on the sound of those two little hearts beating. They were strong and loud and as the doctor said "The best indication of a healthy pregnancy". Beautiful!

Another positive? I had more blood work on Monday. They wanted to check my E2 (estrogen) levels again. They did, and my levels rose perfectly. She feels confident that my body is in step with this pregnancy and that the need for added hormone support is fading. I got to reduce my medications, and hopefully soon will get to stop them all together. The nurse said this is another great indication that this pregnancy is strong. Music to my ears!

We will have another ultrasound next Thursday - the 23rd. On that day I will be 8 weeks and I am so excited for Mike to see it live. He was running late and missed the first one :(.

We are so grateful for everyone that has reached out over the last week or so. It is so comforting to know how many people are praying for these babies and for us! God is clearly listening!!

Amen!

Our 2nd scare that turned into the most incredible blessing...

SO of course I jinxed myself.

After writing that I had hopped the needle would be the last scare of our pregnancy, we had another. Last night I was at Jake's baseball game (which was great - he had two hits to the outfield for doubles) and had to go to the bathroom.

Lately, my life consists of eating, sleeping, trying not to puke, and going to the bathroom. However, and sorry for the TMI - this time there was blood. :( I just starred and said no no no no no - probably 20 times.

I have been through a miscarriage before and it is awful, but something about this felt different. First of all, there was no cramping, and it wasn't a whole lot of blood. I didn't cry. I told myself I would be fine and I left it up to God.

Many of you may have seen my silent prayer request on facebook. I was nervous but I kept reminding myself that either way, it was out of my control. I slept really well last night, and as soon as 8:00 am rolled around I called my doctor.

She wanted me to come in and her next available appointment was at 10:30 am. So I went through my normal morning routine, got to work, and calmly waited for my appointment time. I really felt at peace with everything and just kept reminding myself that I was not in control.

Mike was planning to meet me at the office, but I got there before him. They called me back told me we would be doing an ultrasound! They wanted to see if they could find the source of the bleeding. This also meant we would get a sneak peek at the baby.

We begin the ultrasound and the first think Dr. Jaffe said was "The baby is right here, healthy, heart beating!" Praise God! She then moved the screen where I couldn't see it and told me she would show me in a minute. This made me a little nervous but I knew the baby she showed me was ok. Next she told me she found the source of the bleed. She said it was relatively small and that I just need to take it easy. She also didn't think it was an immediate danger to the baby.

Next, she turned on the speaker and I could hear a heart beat! Of course I started crying at that point. She said the heartbeat was nice and strong. She proceeded to take a few more picture in silence, and I noticed the nurse was making a funny face. She turned back on the speaker and said "Can you hear that?" "That's baby number 2!"

I lost it. Smiling and crying. My nurse started to cry. She said they both were strong and measuring well. She worked and worked to get a clear picture of them side by side but given that they are still just peanuts we settled for this shot:

Meet Baby A and Baby B! Baby B is a little harder to make out, he/she is actually sitting almost behind A so the fuzziness is hard to detect. The whiter part in that sac is the heartbeat. One of the most beautiful things I have ever heard!

Dr. Jaffe wanted to mess with Mike and tell him there were quads! She likes to tease him a little, but I couldn't keep a straight face.

So we have twins on board! 2 healthy, developing babies! I can't believe it. I think Mike was in even more shock. He just starred at this picture for like 10 minutes. I am sure he is busy re-working our budget as we speak. :)

Thank you so, so much for all of the prayers! Twin pregnancy is risky, and we have a long way to go. Our first goal is to make it to week 8 when we get to see them again. Our next will be to get through the first trimester. If things don't go as (we) plan I will still be so thankful for what I got to see and hear today. For now there are 3 hearts beating in my body and one of those is so full it could explode!

6 week update...

Today I am officially 6 weeks pregnant!

As I type, holding back the urge to purge, I can honestly say how thrilled I am to be feeling pregnancy symptoms. Of course it would have been nice to skip morning all day, never ending sickness, but it also is a constant reminder that I have a baby growing inside of me!

My other big symptom is exhaustion. I am tired. It has really hit me as I rounded the corner into week 6. Walking from my car into work this morning, I felt like I had just finished running a marathon. It's work to keep my head in the upright position. Lunch breaks at work may have to become nap time...

I know my exhaustion is because of all the amazing things going on in my body. This week several major organs are being put to use, the baby's circulating blood via his/her circulatory system, and he/she is looking less like a tad-pole and more like a person - growing nose, eyes, ears, chin and cheeks. No wonder I'm worn out!

I also got some good news from my doctor yesterday!... They did some blood work to check up on my estrogen and progesterone levels (these are the hormones I have been injecting daily) and they are nice and high! This means I get to come off of the shots and begin oral versions of the hormones. Praise God! I can't tell you how happy I am  to not have to begin every day and end every day with needles! I know Mike is happy too...

Speaking of, I had something INSANE happen to use last Friday night. Sorry if this story gets a little wordy, but stick it out.

As you guys know, I have to do a shot every morning and night. Most of the time it isn't that big of a deal, but it does stink when you are trying to make other plans.. Friday night I had plans to go with some girlfriends to a birthday dinner. Mike and Jake had soccer practice, so it worked out nicely. Unfortunately, before we could get on with our night, I had to have Mike meet me at home to get my shot done.
We had new needles from a local pharmacy and anytime something has changed in my routine, it makes me a little anxious. That being said, they seemed to be working fine. I got the needle ready, iced my back side and laid down on the bed like I do every time we do the shots. Mike did his part, just like normal, but when he went to remove the needle it make a strange clicking sound.
I instantly freaked and the dialogue went a little like this:
Me -"what was that noise?" no answer,
Me -"Mike, what was that noise?!"
Mike- "I don't know, I don't know what happened. The needle is gone!"
Me - "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE NEEDLE IS GONE?!"
Mike - "I mean I went to pull it out and it broke off! It's gone."
(Que the hysteria)
Me (totally crying) - "Can you see it? Get it out! Get it out!"
Mike - "No I can't see it at all, just a little blood"
Me (flipping out) - "We have to go to the hospital right now" - I think I repeated this in my state of shock probably 20 times.
Mike (remaining calm) - "Ok, let's go, but you have to calm down."
Me - "You try calming down when there is a 2 inch needle missing in your butt!"

From there we got in the car. I held myself up off the seat as we drove to the nearest emergency clinic. I was still panicking. Scared because of the pain, terrified that it would somehow cause harm to the baby. Just straight freaking out.
The wonderful nurse practitioner assured me that she wouldn't do anything that could hurt the baby, and then said "Since I can't x-ray you, I'm going to have to numb you up and dig around for the needle."
Uh... not ok. Dig around? Oh Em Gee.
She wanted to push around on the area to see if we could pinpoint the location of the needle, but other than soreness I couldn't really feel any pain.
At that point Mike asked her if she wanted to see the needle. (He is so wonderful and calm that he brought all of that stuff with us.) And she did. After a few seconds of examining, she asked for a new needle and removed it from the packaging. She asked Mike to show her what happened so he did and again the needle was gone when he got to the end of pushing the syringe. We were looking all over for it and she said "wait a minute, I'll be right back"
A few seconds later she entered the room with a industrial pair of scissors and began to hack away at the syringe. She finally was able to break it in half, and there was the needle!

The pharmacy had given us the wrong needles. They gave us retractable needles (which we didn't even know existed) without any warning. They all laughed but I think I just stood there starring. She then went on to tell us how upset she was with the pharmacy for giving these needles to us without explaining how they work. She said they aren't typically given out to patients, but are more often used by medical professionals.

I was extremely relieved, but I think my adrenaline had gotten so high that when it crashed, it wiped me out. Mike took me home after that and all I wanted to do was sleep. I do remember on the ride home, him looking at me and saying "Well, that's a good story for your blog!"...

Hopefully that was our one and only medical scare for this pregnancy!

The story behind our positive....

Let me start off by saying, the support in the last 12 hours has been overwhelming. Mike and I are so excited and we feel so blessed to have so many people in our corner!

I wanted to post a little more detail on what has happened in the last week. I was so excited to get our news out, that I left the details a little vague.

Last Sunday morning I woke up with a crazy desire to test. Granted, I had been eager since the transfer, but Sunday it was unbearable. That day was 5 days post my embryo transfer - here's where it gets a little tricky to follow... When they put my embryos in, they were already 5 days pregnant. If it had been a natural cycle, the day of my transfer would be 7 days post ovulation... Soooo that Sunday, I was 12 days post ovulation. Typically, you would begin to see a positive at about 14 days post ovulation. Knowing that, I told myself that it was no big deal if I didn't get a positive because it was still technically too early.

I went ahead with the test, and after about a minute, walked away, sure the test was negative. I left it on the counter and went to get ready for the day. I went back over a few minutes later (to throw the test away) and there it was. A very faint but there positive test line! I started shaking and ran for my phone.

Mike had left about 30 minutes prior for his soccer game (he plays in a men's league) so I knew it would be a stretch to catch him on the phone but I called anyway. He answered and I told him the news in a shaky, emotional voice. We were both really happy, but decided to stay calm and wait out the next few days in hope that our line would get darker.

Queue my addiction to at home pregnancy tests. From that day forward I tested every morning and each day my line got significantly darker. Tuesday morning, I decided to call my doctor's office and just let them know what was going on. :)

My nurse called back and told me that there was no reason to wait through the weekend, and that I could come in to test that Thursday. For those keeping score that's 9 days post my 5 day transfer (14 days since conception or 16 days since ovulation.

That morning, before work, I went in for blood work. That was the easy part. Sitting at my desk, patiently waiting for them to call with results -- not so much. Eventually, of course, time passed and my phone finally rang! The nurse explained that they want to see a beta come back at 50 or greater for the first test and that mine was at a "very pregnant" 292! She said it was a great sign of strong implantation and that they would see me on Saturday for a second beta to make sure my numbers are doubling.

In that moment a sense of peace washed over me. We prayed long and hard for this. In the last few days I had prayed countless times for peace and for my heart to be still. God answered those prayers 10 fold. He always does, if you are just willing to wait for Him.

That Saturday, as I mentioned, my test results came back more than doubled at 630. They told me that my numbers look wonderful and to continue on, for the time being, with my injections. They also told me to begin a 2nd progesterone shot each morning as well as my nightly shot. She said my progesterone levels are safe, but on the low side of where they like them to be, so we are boosting them up a bit. This is fairly common for women going through a frozen embryo transfer, as it takes a little longer to get things going sometimes.

For my needle sympathizers, that's 1 shot each am, 1 each pm and a 2nd pm shot every 3 days. My backside is sore! That being said, no complaints here... I will do whatever it takes with a big smile on my face.

After Saturday's results I really became excited. I am cautious, but I will celebrate every second of this pregnancy. This has been such a journey so far. Some really bad days, some amazing days, all of them leading to this moment and the moments that follow.

Saturday afternoon was spent with Jake's soccer buddies and our family at a birthday party for him. He had such a good time and it was so nice to just relax and hang out with our soccer family. It really was one of the best weekends in a long time.

So, today I am 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. (I can't tell you how good it feels to type that!) So far, I can say I have began feeling a few symptoms... light nausea, tiredness, and a little uhh.. hormonal... I am doing my best to keep my mood swings in check. ;) Poor Mike has a long few months ahead. Keep us both in your prayers! Ha!

Guess what?...

I finally get to shout:

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!

Yep, you read that right! I am officially pregnant! I know I know, if you keep up with the blog, I wasn't supposed to know until Monday, but last Tuesday I got a little ancy. 

I couldn't hold out anymore and it was time to take a test. That morning, I tested and guess what? A big ol' positive! That day I called my nurse and she moved my appointment to Thursday. 

Thursday morning came, I got my blood work done and just sat around waiting for the nurse to call. She finally did around lunchtime to tell me that my test was not only positive, but that my numbers were nice and high! My beta, the pregnancy test in which you are supposed to have a 50 or higher, came back at 292! They made me an appointment to come back on Saturday to make sure the number was doubling...

Saturday finally came and again, I was waiting for the call. I got it right before Jake's soccer game started. My numbers more than doubled to a wonderful 630!

We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 16th to see our baby(ies)! We will know at that time more details, but my preliminary due date is June 4th!!

We are on cloud 9! I of course cried and probably will at every appointment here on out! I just can't believe this. I can't express to you our joy and our thankfulness. God is amazing!

I know we have a long way to go, but we are taking this one day at a time and celebrating every step of the way! 

Our Frozen Embryo Transfer...

What a day.

I knew today would be special. I knew it would be a big day. I didn't realize how special or how big though. I don't think I could have ever imagined it being as amazing as it was.

Today was our first embryo transfer.

Originally, our plan was to transfer last month. 5 days after the retrieval. Unfortunately, due to my risk of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, we weren't able to do that. The safest option was to freeze our embryos, all 16 of them.

Fast forward to today... The day that felt like it would never come. The day that has been on my mind for so long.

I went to work this morning, which was perfect, because if I had taken the day off I would have been a nut job by the time my appointment rolled around.

My appointment was at 12:45 p.m. so at 11:45 I had to start drinking water. I also was not allowed to go to the bathroom from that point on. When they do the procedure, they run a simultaneous ultrasound on your stomach that helps them make sure they are in the right place. A full bladder helps them to identify your uterus and the positioning of the catheter.

That part was probably the most uncomfortable part of the entire procedure. That feeling like you need to pee, so much so that you feel like if you jumped you would wet yourself... that’s how I felt.

Once they got me checked in, I changed into my gown and lovely hair net...

Dr. Loy came in to talk to us about the procedure. We ran through the risks and our options. We talked about the embryos - how they took two out to thaw, that both made it through the thaw beautifully. Then he ran over the risks of putting both back in - 40% chance of twins, potential for high risk pregnancy, early delivery, increased risk of c-section, etc. He is obligated to run down all the risks with us and I think he could tell we were doing our best to soak it all in. He then looked at us and said, "All of that being said, I have IVF twins at home - they are perfect and I wouldn't do a thing differently." We looked at each other once more, and still felt confident in our decision to put two embryos back.

At the end of the day, I am not in control. The doctor isn't. Mike isn't. The embryos aren't. God is. If He wants us to have twins, twins we will have. If He wants us to have one, one we will have. Our hearts will be just as full either way!

We signed the papers confirming our decision and he handed us this...

Our first picture of our babies... Meet baby a and baby b :) They are moving through the early stages of development and are now safely back where they belong. Hopefully, they implant and continue to grow. This picture was the first of my breath being taken away today. I was sure this was the most amazing thing I had seen, but I was wrong.

After that the nurse came in and told me to take the vicodin rx they had given me. Then they led me back to the procedure room. The nurses got me set up and then the lab tech came in to confirm who I was and that we would be putting two embryos in. Dr. Loy then came in a started the process. It wasn't that different from an ob exam as far as pain.

The most amazing part was that I got to watch it all happen. They would stop and explain to me in detail what I was seeing. They identified the catheter on the ultrasound and then he told me to watch for what would look for the firework show. :) He told me "here we go" and just then I saw two blips of white fly out of the catheter. Those were our babies! Of course, by this point, tears were streaming down my face.

He finished up and told me to just relax and that the nurses would take care of me. He said everything went perfectly and that judging by the quality of our embryos and how the transfer went he feels great about our chances. I then said "It's all up to God at this point" and I got a collective "Amen" from everyone in the room.

After that they wheeled me back to the waiting area and told me just to lay for a little while. Mike came back and said he got to watch it on a screen in his waiting area.

I wish I could put into words how amazing the experience was. I know I can't, but I can tell you how lucky I feel to be where we are.

I also want to thank all of my family and friends who reached out to us today. We recieved a serious outpouring of love and support and it was such a boost of confidence for me. I know I have a whole group of people cheering us on. Thank you so so much.

I'm sure, when the newness of all of this settles down some I will be able to talk more about how I felt. How much I could feel God's presence in that room. For now I can only tell you that I am simply overwhelmed.

The next two weeks are going to feel like 2 decades I'm sure. I will pray everyday for a wonderful outcome to this wonderful journey. I appreciate your prayers too!