2013 in a Nutshell...

In a quick response, if you asked me about 2013, my knee-jerk reaction would be to say it sucked. The first things that pops into my brain is my miscarriage, and the fact that another year has passed and I am not pregnant. Fertility, even when I fight it back, is always creeping into my number one position of thoughts. I try to not think about it, stress about it, but it isn't just as easy as turning off a switch for me. That being said, fertility wise, 2013 was a really hard year. I can't keep count of the tears I've shed this year, I spent more time then I would have liked sulking. Yet, when I really think about the last year of my life, I see a lot of sunshine too. I've been blessed with an incredible husband and son who love me when I'm happy, sad, or crazy on fertility meds. I spent the year growing as a person. I learned so much about myself, and my relationship with God became incredibly strong. I got back up when things knocked me down, granted it wasn't a graceful leap up, more like a stumble, but up none-the-less! I've learned to let go of things I can't control...meh more like I am still learnING ;) I've also had some really great moments this year! Mike and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary! My sweet boy started 1st grade! My extended family grew in size! I've let go of relationships that were negative and in turn, we've been granted new friendships that are such a blessing! I am alive, my family is healthy and my God is faithful! I will keep walking this road before me and I will take it in stride. I am thankful for all the things I have, my cup runneth over!
With a little luck, and a lot of faith, I move forward to 2014 with arms wide open. This is going to be a great year, not a year without struggle, not a year without tears, but another year of growing and finding peace in my own skin. :)

Happy New Year,

Jordan <3

December won't be "The Month"...

As you can probably guess from the title of this post, my appointment didn't go well this morning. At all. All I needed was two blank ovaries - no cysts, just nothing... she said my uterus looks great, my right ovary was fine, and then she scanned over to the left. It is always that left ovary. There, like a baseball, was a giant cyst. Huge is the word she used actually. She told me I must have a high tolerance for pain because this thing should be hurting, if not now, soon. Great! So no medicine, no baby, pain, oh and icing on the cake... I have to go on birth control. I fought back the tears until I got into my car and I just let it all out. I sobbed in the car the entire way back to work. I called Mike and I could tell he was disappointed too. He made me feel better, he always does, but I just feel like we flew backwards 10 steps. Can I just catch a break? I'm sure in a day or two I will gather myself and be more optimistic, I will pray about this and ask God for clarity and peace, but for now I just want to cry and sulk, and pour myself a big glass of wine...

Christmas is Coming...

There is no better time to get pregnant then during the advent season, right?! I absolutely love Christmas, and every year I really look forward to its arrival. This year has been a little tough, though. Honestly, I thought for sure I'd have a baby in my arms this Christmas. In fact - a few days ago would have been my due date, had I not miscarried. :( While it makes me sad, I have to remember that it didn't coincide with God's plan and I have to remain faithful, joyful, and diligent in prayer. I know what I'm asking Santa for this year, a big ole' + sign!

After the doctor determined that I didn't ovulate in November, I was really really ready to start my cycle over and get on to next month. You know a girl has lost it, when she's wishing her period would just hurry up already! Yesterday, Mike and I met with Dr. Jaffe to discuss "the next steps". I know I gush about her a lot, but I have to again. She has a way of always making me feel better about my situation, she is so confident in this happening for us, and it's reassuring to hear from a doctor. We went through our questions, talked about what we want and don’t want, and basically set our plan in place for December. I was to call her on day 1 of my cycle to set up a day 2 ultrasound so we could proceed with the plan. My period has been a few days late, but my body was telling me it was coming anytime now, and today it finally came! It's like getting underwear for Christmas. You need underwear, it isn't your favorite thing to get, but it is a necessity. I got my underwear, my need is fulfilled and it's a new month! So, tomorrow I go in for an internal ultrasound. I am seemingly less excited about that. :/
Hopefully tomorrow they clear me to take the medicine I was on last month again. They will be looking to make sure I am clear of cysts, and ready for some ovulation stimulation ;). If all goes well, I will begin medication on Saturday for 5 days, followed by a day 10-12 ultrasound to check for healthy follicles (aka eggs). This is where some decisions will have to be made. I have the option at that point to a.) move forward naturally OR b.) take an injection (eek) of hsg that Mike would be administering (double eek) that would force the egg to drop down into the tube. Sort of assisting my body in making sure I ovulate. While I like the idea of getting this show on the road, I am terrified of needles and the thought of anyone other than a nurse doing it makes me shaky. I also prefer the natural route as much as possible in all of this. So I am a little torn. I think I may just keep praying about it and decide when I have to!
Last month clearly wasn't the month for pregnancy, but I am hoping this one is. Funny enough, the Chinese gender calendar says last month would have yielded a boy and this month a girl, so I'm going to just roll with that as the reason I didn't ovulate. :) I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a girl, I totally do, but first and foremost I want a healthy baby. I would be thrilled either way!

I'm sure I'll be blogging again before Christmas! I should have an ultrasound right before then and I should also have a decision made on which option we are going to choose. Hopefully, through prayer, I get a clear answer on that! So for the next few weeks I will be taking all my vitamins, following doctor's orders, and praying like mad. Maybe a little Christmas luck will go a longgg way! I appreciate everyone's kind words and prayers - I know yall are routing for us, and I can't wait for the time when we get to celebrate a new life with all of you!

Back From Our Trip...

Welp, we made it through Thanksgiving! We got home from DC early Sunday morning and spent most of the day trying to relax and get ready for the week. DC was so much fun! I loved getting to have some time with my family, meeting new family, and catching up with one of my oldest friends. DC was beautiful. I was actually shocked at how pretty I thought it was.. We'd never been there before, and I didn't really know what to expect, but my hopes weren't too high because politicians are well, frankly, the opposite of DC! It was big, clean, open, and refreshing. It was also FREEZING! We saw almost everything on our list - we hit most of the monuments, The Museum of Natural Histoy and the American History museum, as well as the National Zoo.. I have to round up pictures from my mom and sister, as well as Mike, but here are some quick ones from my phone...

Jake in the WWII Memorial with the Washington Monument in the background.

Family Picture in front of the White House.

Jake & the Giant Panda!

The trip really was wonderful. We had a lot of time to just be together, which is something that gets taken for granted in the normal day-to-day activities. I love my boys, and my family so much.

In fertility news, I wish I could be feeling as full. Wednesday morning, before our flight, I had to run to the doctors for bloodwork. They were really hoping I would test high for progesterone - the hormone your body releases after ovulation - which would mean I did ovulate, and I just missed the testing. After arriving in DC, I got a call that my bloodwork came back negative for progesterone, meaning I did not ovulate. :( I decided to push it in the back of my mind and focus on being on vacation with my family. I don't even think I told anyone, other than Mike, about the call. I just wanted to shelf it for the time being. The nurse asked me to call Monday morning to get an appointment for a follow-up. She said "we can talk about what's next when you're here". So right now I don't really know whats going on. I am really bummed I didn't ovulate. I knew I hadn't though. Without getting to graphic, there are some changes in a woman's body when she's ovulating. Some women may never notice them, but once you have been tracking for as long as I have... you know, and I knew I hadn't. One part of me kind of feels like we are back to the drawing board. Starting over again. The other part thinks maybe my body just needed another month to heal from surgery and maybe this next month will be my month. I'm praying for patience, clarity, strength, and thanking Him for all of the wonderful things He has gifted to me, not because I am deserving, but because He loves me regardless.