My Monday Thoughts...

1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

 

One of the main emotions I have struggled with throughout all of this is jealousy. Jealousy, to me, is a complex, twisted tango of an emotion. I pray frequently to keep it at bay - however it is a natural feeling. The bible speaks a lot about envy and jealousy - anyone who's learned the 10 commandments knows it well. As Christians, we know we are supposed to strip it out of our hearts. Easier said than done, right? Jealousy can rear its ugly head in almost every part of life, however in the case of fertility, it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

After our first year of trying, when I just knew something wasn't right, I started to get jealous of women around me that were so "easily" having babies. I felt a lot of guilt about my jealousy, after all, it isn't their fault I can't get pregnant. I didn't like the way it was making me feel and I knew something needed to change. I started looking around for support groups and began reading online. Most of what I read, unfortunately, encouraged women with infertility to stay away from baby stores, baby showers, anything baby. The thought of that made me sad. I don’t want to stay away from babies, when my family or friends are celebrating a birth or pregnancy, I want to celebrate too. I would never wish infertility on anyone, and if another biological baby isn't in our future, then I certainly want to snuggle everyone else’s. :)

As time has gone on, I have continued to struggle with my jealousy. Just recently, I was reading some verses that focus on this topic and I found the verse at the top of this post. It was sort of my "suck it up, buttercup" verse. After reading this, my whole view on jealousy changed. I believe a dose of jealousy is healthy. I say a dose, because if you allow it to take over your heart, it will, and that is never healthy. For me, I choose to look at my jealousy as a motivating factor. Every time I want to throw in the towel, someone I know announces a pregnancy or has a baby. That little twinge spurs me on. It reminds me of why I am not ready to give up. God is leading us in this, and He needs me to know the picture is much larger than my eyes can see.

So while I will always have to keep it in check, I am not running away from jealousy anymore. I will face it head on, embrace it, and shift the focus on to jealousy being a reminder of my passion and desire to be pregnant again. I'm not saying you will catch me watching "16 and Pregnant" anytime soon, but I will use the emotion to my benefit. Because I know my God is faithful and He will not lead me to anything that He doesn't think I can endure. How amazingly encouraging is that? This walk was given to us by God. He choose Mike and I for this because He knows we can handle it. He has faith in us, so how can I ever let me faith in Him waver? I know we will have another child, what I don’t know is the path that will bring that baby to us, but I have faith. <3

If I'm Being Honest...

Each day since my doctor's appointment and last post I have been getting more and more nervous about the up-coming surgery. Anyone that knows me knows how TERRIBLE I am with anything medical, i.e. I didn't get my ears pierced until AFTER I had Jake :/, and for the past couple of days it's been all I can think about. Last night I even dreamed about it! From the beginning, every doctor I have been to has been a little stumped by me. I have some of the PCOS symptoms without having some of the main ones, my blood work always looks good, I have a slight Vitamin D deficiency, Mike's healthy sperm count is at 25% instead of the ideal 30%. So while there are a string of minor issues, it's been difficult really putting our finger on the problem. Most of the above mentioned problems are things that can be corrected with vitamins (like my vit d and Mike's healthy count), and my doctor believes, this surgery. I don’t know why I am all of a sudden having doubts, maybe it's just nerves. I wish God would just walk into my office and tell me what to do. Granted, I would probably stroke out right here. If the surgery will help get me to a baby then I will do it, no questions asked. I just wish my faith in it was a little stronger...

I talk to Mike about it, and he is supportive of the surgery. He really likes our new doctor and feels like she is taking us in the right direction. We have talked to several different people who have had SUCH success with the laparoscopy (aka ovarian drilling -- eek!) and he reminds me of that each time I get shaky. I need to step my praying up! I need to talk to God about my doubts, ask him for peace, and trust that if this is the right direction for us, He will provide.

Another big fear for me is the cost. Unfortunately, we can't find out what the costs are until the surgery is scheduled.. which is ok in that we could obviously cancel if need be, but is nerve wrecking because I feel like there are SO many variables and a 5 day window. The surgery has to occur on days 5-10 of my cycle and can't be scheduled until CD 1, unless I decide to take birth control to expand that window. I absolutely HATE being on birth control, almost as much as I hate being on metformin.

So long story short right now, I'm a little bit of a hot mess! Maybe once some of the if's become facts I will calm down and feel better about all of this. Maybe this is lesson number 654687435 from God that He is teaching me during my journey with infertility. I need to relax and take a deep a breath - focus on my faith.

Fresh from the Doctor...

Happy Monday! Here we go, another week, and this one promises to be a busy one. Jake turned 7 last week! So bittersweet. I love watching him grow, but would give anything to slow down! I feel like my years with him are flying by. He is playing baseball and soccer right now, so our weeknights and weekends are spent at the fields at practice and/or games. This past Saturday, he had his first soccer game of the season. He is playing U11 which means most of the kids he's playing against are 9-11 years old. Some of them seemed like giants! His team is made up of all 6-8 year olds, they are the kids he's been playing 3v3 soccer with. They played so well and won the game 8-1! It's always fun to win ;)

This morning I had an early doctor's appointment, and because of Jake's school start time, Mike couldn't go with me. We went through test results and came up with our action plan. We are going to move forward with the surgery. It seems to be the best option, and hopefully the most effective. It will be outpatient and I will be under general anthesia. That sort of thing always makes me nervous, but this time there are even more nerves behind it. What if it doesn't work? What if they get in there and find something more? I could drive myself crazy thinking about the "what if's", but it's hard to focus elsewhere. The flip side is that since I have been talking/praying/thinking about this whole thing it seems like people are coming out of the wood work with success stories. People who did the same surgery and got pregnant very soon afterwards. At this point, one minute I am excited and the next I am so nervous I can't think straight.

If this "simple" surgery is the means to a baby... great! It would potentially mean that Mike and I could get pregnant naturally, without drugs, which would be awesome. I guess I need to keep praying about this. Asking God to settle my nerves.

I am supposed to call and schedule surgery on day 1 of my next cycle! That's in like 6 days!! I could potentially be having surgery in 2 weeks! Oh jeez. Anyway, I have a request this time... Please, please pray for us. Pray that surgery goes well, pray that we find a way to pay for this - at this point, insurance wont cover it. Pray that the surgery is successful and that we are able to concieve, and pray that all of this be done in His name, under His will. I know that through prayer this will happen for us. I know that if I keep my faith the money will turn up somehow. I just have to continue to give this up to God. Thank you for reading, for following this journey, and for praying for our family.

<3 <3 <3

Just Keep Swimming...

I feel like I have to remind myself of that all the time. One day at a time, pace yourself Jordan. One thing I have noticed is how easy it is to get burnt out on all of this. What an emotional roller coaster. With every new month, for the past 3 years, has come another disappointment -- or at least that’s how I felt.
A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown. A mental collapse. I don't know what triggered it really, probably hormones, but I just lost it. I was crying to Mike, my usual woe-is-me sadness, and he finally stopped me and said "I want Jordan back". Those 4 words meant SO much.
At first, I was a little hurt. No one wants to hear that something they are struggling with has a hold on them, causing them to loose parts of who they are. Then I realized he wasn't saying it to hurt me or to be a dig. He doesn't and has not ever blamed me for feeling the way I do. He just needed me to know that I was lost in the sea of infertility. Those four words became my life raft. I laid there knowing, he is right, I need to fix this. My focus needs to shift back to the present. To my husband and son, who are here with me now. We aren't promised tomorrow, and I need to focus on the now. So that is my prayer now. I ask God to help me focus on what I have, and to be hopeful and excited for the future, without obsessing over it. It is also my prayer for my friends that are going through something similar. It is so easy to focus on what's going wrong in our lives, to focus on what we don't have. Our life slips in to a rut, and that isn't the life we are intended to live. I have to remind myself daily to focus on the present!
That being said, I am pushing infertility to the back seat. I am making a mental effort to not think about it as much (which is way harder than it sounds). We are not giving up, or stopping treatment, it just isn't going to be my first priority anymore. My duties fit in a specific order and I need to do a better job of holding true to that. Believer, Wife, Mother. In that order. :)
This is my first month off of all medication from my previous doctor. I am taking it as a month of cleansing for my body and my heart. I got a lot of blood work done, Mike did his testing, and later this month we have an appointment to go over the results and choose our plan of action. I do think that the medicine had a BIG impact on the way I was feeling, and I am excited to take a break from that. I am hoping, more and more now, that the laparoscopy is the ideal method of treatment. If it works, that would be the most natural (meaning the least amount of meds) way for us to conceive. So this month I am clearing out the fog, and giving it up to God. Not only am I going to keep swimming, I am going to do it with a renewed spirit and a focus on the now!

To my sweet friends who are on this journey with me,
I think of you girls often. I keep you in my prayers, and I am excited to see where this journey leads you. We are in this together, and I can't wait to hold each of your sweet babies one day!

xoxo,

Jordan

Hopeful and Optimistic...

First of all - My sweet boy started 1st grade this morning! I am amazed at how fast these years with him have flown by and I am so proud of my baby :) He was excited to go to school this morning and I can't wait to hear about his day. With every post/thought/appointment/period/prescription etc. etc. that I do, in regards to infertility, I am reminded of what an incredible gift my sweet boy is. God gave him to us to love and raise and I am so thankful He did! I know he is going to do a lot of learning and growing this year, and I am excited to watch him grow!

You may notice the title of this post is slightly different than the last. For the past week I have been SO nervous about meeting my new doctor. Nervous about what she would tell me and anxious about potentially hearing, what I thought would be, bad news. This morning, Mike and I headed to the appointment after taking Jake to school. I was so thankful that Mike could be there with me - It would have been hard without him. I got called back by a nurse to do vitals and get our history. She then took us to meet the doctor. Dr. Jaffe is from New York, and her personality shows it. We really liked her. She was a straight forward, no bs, type of woman. She is also the top female, reproductive endocrinologist in the state. She doesn't waste your time and she seems very thorough. After about 30 minutes of talking, she sent me for blood work. Some new tests, some re-tests of things I did with my OBGYN. Basically she told me, with Mike and I's age and health, she believes we will end this with a baby. :) It was nice to hear her confidence, especially since I don't get the impression she would sugar coat anything.

She talked to me about my stress level, which has been pretty high in the past year. I think any women going through this can relate. Everyone tells you to relax and reduce stress, what they dont seem to understand is that we don’t stress out because we like the feeling it brings. It isn't an intentional thing. Stress just is. I think it is crucial, for any woman going through this, to have a strong support system. I have bonded with some amazing women because of our shared infertility, I have a new level of respect and love for my husband because of the way he has supported me through this. Through prayer, and faith, I am at a place where I believe this is all just part of our story. Sure the first chapters have been a slower read than I would have liked, but I think we are on our way to the climax. Dr. Jaffe told me how important it is to reduce stress, and that she believes I am in the right place now. Of course, I cried a little. Anytime talk of my miscarriage comes up I shed a tear or two.

After the doctor left us, Mike turned to me and said "Don't you feel good about all of this?" -- Honestly, at the time, I was SO overwhelmed. There was a lot of talk about options and treatment and the future. I was trying to take it all in and I needed a moment to process everything. We left there, after my blood work, and I headed to work. I do a lot of talking to God when I am in my car, alone. Like out-loud talking. I probably look nuts to people that drive by me, or maybe they just think I am singing...
Anyway, when I was in my car I started talking. I was running through everything I heard, some verbally, some in my head. I like to think of this as a fluid, in-motion prayer. I have realized prayer isn't just about being down on bended knee, asking Him for something. Sometimes, my prayer is venting my frustrations, sometimes it's all about praise, sometimes it's just tears. That is one thing that has made this walk SO much lighter - knowing that He knows my heart, my thoughts, everything. I don't have to say anything. One thing I do LOVE is His sense of humor. I swear sometimes I feel like God is sitting there laughing at me. Most of the time, these moments come to me in signs. I throw questions up to God all of the time, sometimes I get a resounding answer and sometimes not so much (or at least not the neon sign I am hoping for). The last week I have had a lot of worry about this next step so I have been hoping for signs. The first sign came when I was on the phone with the nurse at the new doctor’s office. She told me they wouldn't have any openings until late December or possibly January. Not what I had hoped for. Then, while I was on the phone, someone called and cancelled for this morning's appointment so they were able to squeeze me in. This answered many questions - namely - asking God if this doctor was where I was supposed to be. The second sign came after stress over the financial burden of all of this. I was talking to Mike about how we would pay for all of this. He, being the eversupportive husband, said we would just figure it out. I left work, walked downstairs and there was a $5 bill laying on the ground. I smiled and thought, "Ok, Ok noted. You will provide." The 3rd sign came to me today. I was in the car, driving to work, processing all of the information and feeling a little overwhelmed. As I mentioned before, I was talking to God and just reminding myself that my faith is in Him and in His plan for me. I parked my car and started the walk from my garage to the office. Now keep in mind, I work in a downtown high rise building. Every day I am surrounded by other members of the work force, rarely do you see people that don’t look like they are working. I came around the corner and was literally thinking, "I hope I have a baby, I think I will, I have faith I will" and there was a table of women outside in the courtyard all holding infants. Some crying, some sleeping. I know it may not seem like a big deal, but when you are someone looking for signs, I felt like that was my Jeff Foxworthy moment - like God literally knocked me on the forehead and said "here's your sign". I smiled at the babies and moms and felt overwhelming peace rush over me. It's the first time, in a long time, I really feel like we are getting closer. It is an amazing feeling.

I realize I have a long journey ahead of me. I know this is the beginning of this next chapter, but my faith is renewed and I am excited to move forward. Sorry this post is a bit wordy, I get carried away sometimes. ;)

Confused and Emotional

...2 feelings every woman going through infertility can relate to, right?
When I started this blog I knew I wanted it to be my emotional outlet. SO, after my monthly scan today, I knew I needed to head to my blog. :/ I wish I could tell you it was a great visit... although, anymore, a great visit would be them telling me I am pregnant and apparently, that ain't happening.
I saw the midwife again today, this time Mike was with me, and we both really like her. I like the idea of a midwife anyway, and if I am blessed enough to end up pregnant, I plan on delivering naturally, with no medicine. I figure I have worked 3 years now - I want to saver EVERY minute of labor & delivery -- it may be my last and I don’t like being on pain meds. Plus, it’s part of the process. Working with your husband to get through something painful with the biggest payoff possible sounds amazing to me. Of course, all of this is jumping the gun, because I can't get to labor until I can get pregnant ;) Back to my story...
So I had my monthly scan and they saw 2 large cysts/follicles.. I am so confused. I clearly don't understand this as much as I thought I did. I didn't think follicles and cysts were the same thing, but apparently a follicle can become a cyst. WTF. Rabbits get pregnant monthly. Why is this SO complicated!?!?! Anyway, she told us to try again, I may or may not ovulate... (Clear as mud)
She also told us that this has been going on too long. We have done clomid 8 times now (I think). We got pregnant once, and miscarried. It just isn't what they were hoping for, so she is referring me to a reproductive endocrinologist (fancy term for IVF doctor). I realize it isn't all they do, but it is the majority. I don't know what to think. A part of me is eager to meet with them, the other part is terrified. Honestly, I never wanted it to get to IVF. We can't afford it, my insurance doesn't cover it, and there is no guarantee -- SO even if I can come up with the $12-15k I may walk away with an empty uterus and an empty wallet.
I have to keep praying, keep searching for God to show me the way in all of this. If He wants us to go through IVF, I have faith the money will sort itself out. He knows my heart yearns for this. He knows our frustrations, our sadness, our confusion, and most importantly our plan. I have to keep trusting that He's got our back in this. All of this can just be so depressing at times. I feel like I am not only letting myself down, but my husband and son as well. We all want a baby, and I often forget the effect my struggle has on them. I promise my next post will be more upbeat...

CD 2

 

If you are going through infertility you know what the title of this post means.. If not, it means I am on cycle day 2 which is something you typically wouldn't look forward to when trying to conceive.

Last month, when I went in for my follicle check I had a large cysts in my left ovary, and I mean LARGE. It was measuring at 4cm -- inside of my ovary. Now, ovaries are supposed to be about the size of an almond - mine was swollen due to the cysts which caused a lot of soreness. Fortunately, despite the golf ball in my ovary, there was also a follicle. The Midwife I saw that day told me the cyst may or may not affect my ability to get pregnant but that they wanted us to try. If nothing else, sex might help my body get rid of my ticking time bomb. She warned me that if I didn't get pregnant, I could potentially look forward to a painful period. When you have a cyst, like the one I had inside of my ovary, your body tries to pass it. If you get pregnant, the hormones your body naturally releases work to dissolve the cyst, if not... Holy Cramping! Cysts are relatively common, even to women that don’t have a problem conceiving. Some doctors believe this is why some women experience painful periods one month and not so much the next.

So my schedule has been that each month, on cycle day 1 - I call my doctor's office for a RX of Clomid. Since my little friend was on the scan last month they wanted to check me out before writing me a prescription. It wasn't a fun check, but I did get clearance to take my RX, and it appears as though my cyst is gone! Praise God! So now, it’s back to medicine and counting days... better than the alternative though, right? Maybe August will be our month!! All I can do is remind myself that all of this is in God's hands and I have to trust my faith in Him and know that He has a plan, far greater than mine. That being said, I am praying that His will be done and that we have a successful month. A little passive aggressive suggestion to the Lord can't hurt, right?! ;)