Each day since my doctor's appointment and last post I have been getting more and more nervous about the up-coming surgery. Anyone that knows me knows how TERRIBLE I am with anything medical, i.e. I didn't get my ears pierced until AFTER I had Jake :/, and for the past couple of days it's been all I can think about. Last night I even dreamed about it! From the beginning, every doctor I have been to has been a little stumped by me. I have some of the PCOS symptoms without having some of the main ones, my blood work always looks good, I have a slight Vitamin D deficiency, Mike's healthy sperm count is at 25% instead of the ideal 30%. So while there are a string of minor issues, it's been difficult really putting our finger on the problem. Most of the above mentioned problems are things that can be corrected with vitamins (like my vit d and Mike's healthy count), and my doctor believes, this surgery. I don’t know why I am all of a sudden having doubts, maybe it's just nerves. I wish God would just walk into my office and tell me what to do. Granted, I would probably stroke out right here. If the surgery will help get me to a baby then I will do it, no questions asked. I just wish my faith in it was a little stronger...
I talk to Mike about it, and he is supportive of the surgery. He really likes our new doctor and feels like she is taking us in the right direction. We have talked to several different people who have had SUCH success with the laparoscopy (aka ovarian drilling -- eek!) and he reminds me of that each time I get shaky. I need to step my praying up! I need to talk to God about my doubts, ask him for peace, and trust that if this is the right direction for us, He will provide.
Another big fear for me is the cost. Unfortunately, we can't find out what the costs are until the surgery is scheduled.. which is ok in that we could obviously cancel if need be, but is nerve wrecking because I feel like there are SO many variables and a 5 day window. The surgery has to occur on days 5-10 of my cycle and can't be scheduled until CD 1, unless I decide to take birth control to expand that window. I absolutely HATE being on birth control, almost as much as I hate being on metformin.
So long story short right now, I'm a little bit of a hot mess! Maybe once some of the if's become facts I will calm down and feel better about all of this. Maybe this is lesson number 654687435 from God that He is teaching me during my journey with infertility. I need to relax and take a deep a breath - focus on my faith.
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