I feel like I have to remind myself of that all the time. One day at a time, pace yourself Jordan. One thing I have noticed is how easy it is to get burnt out on all of this. What an emotional roller coaster. With every new month, for the past 3 years, has come another disappointment -- or at least that’s how I felt.
A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown. A mental collapse. I don't know what triggered it really, probably hormones, but I just lost it. I was crying to Mike, my usual woe-is-me sadness, and he finally stopped me and said "I want Jordan back". Those 4 words meant SO much.
At first, I was a little hurt. No one wants to hear that something they are struggling with has a hold on them, causing them to loose parts of who they are. Then I realized he wasn't saying it to hurt me or to be a dig. He doesn't and has not ever blamed me for feeling the way I do. He just needed me to know that I was lost in the sea of infertility. Those four words became my life raft. I laid there knowing, he is right, I need to fix this. My focus needs to shift back to the present. To my husband and son, who are here with me now. We aren't promised tomorrow, and I need to focus on the now. So that is my prayer now. I ask God to help me focus on what I have, and to be hopeful and excited for the future, without obsessing over it. It is also my prayer for my friends that are going through something similar. It is so easy to focus on what's going wrong in our lives, to focus on what we don't have. Our life slips in to a rut, and that isn't the life we are intended to live. I have to remind myself daily to focus on the present!
That being said, I am pushing infertility to the back seat. I am making a mental effort to not think about it as much (which is way harder than it sounds). We are not giving up, or stopping treatment, it just isn't going to be my first priority anymore. My duties fit in a specific order and I need to do a better job of holding true to that. Believer, Wife, Mother. In that order. :)
This is my first month off of all medication from my previous doctor. I am taking it as a month of cleansing for my body and my heart. I got a lot of blood work done, Mike did his testing, and later this month we have an appointment to go over the results and choose our plan of action. I do think that the medicine had a BIG impact on the way I was feeling, and I am excited to take a break from that. I am hoping, more and more now, that the laparoscopy is the ideal method of treatment. If it works, that would be the most natural (meaning the least amount of meds) way for us to conceive. So this month I am clearing out the fog, and giving it up to God. Not only am I going to keep swimming, I am going to do it with a renewed spirit and a focus on the now!
To my sweet friends who are on this journey with me,
I think of you girls often. I keep you in my prayers, and I am excited to see where this journey leads you. We are in this together, and I can't wait to hold each of your sweet babies one day!
xoxo,
Jordan
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